The Time I ‘Almost’ Fell In Love…

https://www.flickr.com/photos/khoind/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/khoind/

I went as far as almost letting myself fall in love with you…

I promised myself I’d never fall in love with another person, especially not after him. I said I wouldn’t cry over another guy… and then I met you…

I didn’t think I could feel that way about another person, until you asked me to trust you. You made my heart beat fast, made me miss you, made me so excited like I was a little kid again, every time we said we would see each other again, but worst of all you made me almost fall in love with you…

I won’t get into the boring details but to be frank, we both know what happened between us was like fireworks, it happened so quick and it was beautiful whilst it lasted, catching our breaths with its sparks and power and then it was gone. Almost like it never happened, with nothing but the flashes of memory and the noise in our ears to remember that special moment.

I remember our first kiss, it wasn’t like any ordinary first kiss, and it was a 50/50 sort of kiss. You leaned in and then I did, which goes to explain our whole ‘relationship’ we were always equal, no one was better than the other, no one was higher than the next. It was like we had a perfect balance, something I hadn’t experienced before, I guess that’s why I was cautious at first. Because I didn’t know what to expect or what would come of it. My best friend told me not to be afraid, because I had to give love another chance, and that I’d never know what would happen if I didn’t’. Who knows? Maybe I’d finally get the love I’d been looking for, but… well, I was still unsure, still so scared. Yet you persisted, then pretty soon we had our first date and I just melted! Right there into your arms, your kiss. We met up, but for some weird coincidence, all of our friends just happened to be in town too! We secretly held hands and you secretly kissed me when we thought no one was looking. It was so exciting, it was our very own secret, something that only we knew and that’s what attracted me the most, it showed me that you trusted me but that there was also something we held away from everyone else. For a time it seemed to work for us, it meant no interruption from anyone else.

When our friends made plans, it seemed like we would never escape but then I told everyone I had to catch my bus and you slyly said you did too, then all of a sudden so did my best friend and her boyfriend…sure it may have looked a little bit weird, but we got out of the group plans! We found ourselves going to the cinema, it seemed so corny, the thought of going to the cinema for a first date, but well, corny seemed to work! I had lacked corny in my life, so I thought, hey why not. We watched ‘Gnomeo and Juliet’ a kids movie, but we had a laugh watching in 3D (even though it wasn’t work so well for me). we’d take off our glasses to kiss, and laugh, boy it almost felt like nothing could go wrong. On the way back from the cinema we stopped to watch the boats and the lights in the harbour, it almost seemed magical, so beautiful and I felt so happy to share it with you! Days passed, then weeks. We were so happy and it felt like we couldn’t be in a better place.

I remember the day I had to go to London, it was only for a day but I was so nervous so you came and met me. We spent the day walking, laughing and kissing, feeling like we were the only two people in the world! Almost like love and then the time came when I had to get on the bus and say goodbye to you. Sure it was only for one day and we’d spent days apart before but after the day like that one it felt so hard to let you go. 24 hours of not being able to talk properly, hearing you laugh, seeing you smile, feeling your arms around me. It hurt to be on the bus pulling away, watching you watch me back with that coy smile on your face knowing your hurt ached just like mine, every inch we got further apart. It’s safe to say that well, I felt myself falling more and more for you, even though I was afraid, even though I knew somewhere deep down you could potentially break my heart, I was about to let you get that chance…

I almost fell in love.

I introduced you to my mom as my boyfriend…There’d only been one guy I’d done that with in my life…and I only introduced him to my mom as my boyfriend because I knew I had fallen in love for the first time. It had to be truly significant for me to be strong enough to introduce someone to my parents, but I had faith in us. You had faith in us. So I believed it was time for us to open up about our relationship to my parents, even if we were still not ready to show the world…

You told me you loved me, sure it was too soon, too soon to know what love felt like between us, but I gave it a chance because I so desperately wanted to believe that I was still capable of being loved. I let your words wash over me I was stupid and scared but you told me not to be afraid, to trust you, those words that have caused me more trouble than it’s ever been worth. You told me you wouldn’t hurt me that you understood everything that had happened to me in the last few months. You said that you were different, that you were here to stay, that you’d help wash the pain away, That you’d never let go and all because you because of “loved me” I believed you, I’ll tell you that now, why? Because I was helpless and because you showed me kindness I had been seeking. I had a broken heart, and you offered to heal it for me or at least try to help, you said that if I gave you my heart, then you would give me yours but just like words in story books like letters on a chalk board…words at the end of the day are just words and even if you’ve said them…there’s nothing solid that can come from them…there are no guarantees, no promises, nothing you can touch from simple words not even if someone like me believes them…

The day you said goodbye, I can’t say I was surprised. But still, nothing can stop the same old feeling of despair once you said you didn’t want to be with me anymore, out of all the hurtful things you said the most painful had to be when you said you didn’t believe in us anymore, because when you stop believing in something, there is no hope in fixing it…no hope in making us work out…you stop believing in what we could have been, and then the helplessness sunk in… I knew there was nothing I could do to change your mind. We planned to meet up on a Sunday to say our goodbye, for some reason I thought this was going to make me feel better.

I went to church before we met, I sat by myself, so that people wouldn’t see me. I prayed. It might sound crazy, but I prayed hard, for so long I hadn’t prayed like that. My belief had been shot, but for some reason I felt like I needed to make an effort, to this day I don’t really know what I was praying about, forgiveness came up a lot, then it ended. Oh how I didn’t want Church to end, because I knew what I’d be going to.

We sat talking on a bench in the middle of town. I tried my best not to cry. You tried your best to say everything you could to make it better. You were a perfect gentleman trying to wipe away my tears, I wouldn’t let you. I just didn’t want you to touch me because every time you came closer to me, I felt a little piece of my heart breaking. I gave you back the stuff you had given me…It didn’t feel right having them now that we were over but it stung to see you take them. I thought you would have some kind of reaction but even sitting as close as we were, I felt the distance and you were cold and it was obvious your mind was elsewhere. Not wanting to prolong the suffering any longer, you made some lame excuse about needing to leave, not that I could blame you, if I could take myself away from that situation too I would have, but I somehow felt paralyzed to that bench. I couldn’t get the nerve to stand up just in case I stumbled, fell, hugged you. I knew sitting on that bench was the safer bet and as I watched you walk away, leaving me behind, having no intention to come back, I felt myself pray again, pray for you to turn around, just once…even just a glance, that way I would know I was still in your heart but you never did. You just carried on walking away into the distance and out of my life.

If truth be told, I sat there crying for a good long hour and yes, people did stare at me, but I didn’t care, it didn’t matter to me because I had no dignity left, not after what had happened I just stopped caring. I over analysed everything, wondered what I did wrong, why I was not good enough for you…for anyone. Over the next few days I found it hard to function, I couldn’t concentrate, I focused so hard on trying to figure out a way to change myself, so that any of the past memories could be erased too, but all I found was myself thinking of you…I was never angry…just hurt…maybe I shouldn’t have been so damaged, after all I knew what would happen. I had prepared myself anyway. I think I was more hurt with myself, because I had allowed you to make me believe your words. I allowed yourself to get into my mind and stay there. I should have trusted my gut instinct but instead I followed the selfishness of love and trusted what I thought my heart was saying. The problem with that is your heart is easily fooled, especially when tricked by the game of love. When you’re offered something potentially great, when it comes along, well you can’t help but forget the bad things that could come out of it… well maybe not forget, but just push them aside.

After getting your heart broken you begin to build a barrier to stop getting hurt again, you suddenly build a wall to stop people getting in, but it also keeps you emotionally locked in. In days that go by it becomes easier, the loneliness becomes a friend, you get used to the silence. Your only company is your broken heart. You get to a point when you forget what you were ever looking for, but remember that painstakingly devastating memory of when they walked away. Every day you hold that memory close, not because you’re not over it but because you never want to forget. Because you don’t want to let yourself get that vulnerable again and because the memory has been with you for so long that it almost becomes a norm in your life.

Just because you’ve had your heart broken and you feel alone doesn’t mean that you have to by yourself because hopefully during those long periods of heart ache and tears you’ve had a friend maybe two, or if you’re lucky a bunch of good true friends whose shoulders you’ve leant on, cried to, walked with and they’re the ones who help you rediscover the beauty of life and that love can exist again. One day you’ll meet someone, someone who could make your heart beat that familiar bump…bump…bump. They may smile, make you laugh, just remember… always be careful where you leave your heart, because anybody could just step on it.

Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday but most importantly, you proud everyday!

Peace and Love

Jessy x

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