As I sit and watch our world fall apart.

When I met you, you were just another guy in the club. You were with your friends and I was with mine…
I didn’t even know your name when on impulse due to anger aimed at another guy in my life led me to ask you to come home with me. Like a perfect gentleman you told me you would simply walk me home but I didn’t believe you…

At that point in my life I had only met one gentleman, my father, and I already knew it would take quite a man to live up to the standards I had held him up to.
You walked me home and I invited you up.
You hesitated but came up anyway, I knew you would…
I felt smug.
But that’s when everything I thought I knew changed…
And you made me rethink everything I swore by.

We talked all night and you never even asked me for my name, I didn’t ask you either, but it didn’t seem to matter…
I shared things with you that I had never even dared share with anyone else.
I had the mentality that I could tell you anything because I would never have to see you again after that night.
You made me laugh, you made me cry, you made me feel things that I couldn’t explain and it felt so amazing.
After that night I actually felt genuine sadness that our fleeting friendship was coming to a close, but I had this tiny hope that despite the fact that you had acted completely the opposite, that you would still be like any other guy and that you would ask me for my number. Imagine my surprise when you didn’t.

You just thanked me for the evening and you went on your way, my friend and I watched you from the kitchen window…
Did you see? Probably not… I watched you walked away without even turning around.
I tried to play off like it didn’t bother me that you didn’t ask me for my number but as I tried to get back to the normality of my life, going to classes, getting ready for a night out, finding a guy and taking him home, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and how much fun we had.
I wondered how I had gotten to know so much about someone I only knew for 1 night and whether things like that could ever result in a relationship, and whether I wanted a relationship anyway.
The next week my friend got sick of me casually “not so casually” bringing you up in every conversation and she demanded we go out to find you.
I didn’t think it would be possible to bump into you again but I did, almost immediately and it was like we were two kids on a playground getting our best friends to talk to the other for us…
But eventually we ended up back at home, but things weren’t the way they were last time. You were really drunk and really sick and I tried to take care of you…
I mean I didn’t really think I had any other choice but I’m glad I did, it gave us a really funny story to tell.

Once again you left but this time you had my name and my number.

Fast forward to our first time meeting sober. I had invited you over to watch movies and you accepted.
Then the day of our meeting you texted me to tell me you had a lot of work to do so you wouldn’t be able to come.

You didn’t know this but before you had texted me that, I had made a promise that I was going to change my way of thinking, if I was going to start seeing any guy beyond friends with benefits then I would make sure I set myself some ground rules to prevent myself from getting hurt, 1 rule being that I wouldn’t put up with being let down, not even once. So when you texted me, I decided that I was no longer going to reply to you, I wouldn’t give you a chance to hurt me.

But then a few hours later you texted me and told me you still wanted to come over…
And you did…
That night lead to a series of conversations where we both agreed not to get serious, that neither of us wanted a relationship and we just wanted to have fun.
But then on my birthday you got me the horror movie child’s play collection as well as a barking dog card…
Two things i had only mentioned to you the night we met…
And boom all of a sudden I was in love with you and couldn’t even remember the time when we were just strangers.

We enjoyed date nights, planning for the future, moving in together, fights, break ups, make ups and best of all falling in love with each-other in a safe and loving environment.

You are the greatest man I have met in my life, you are strong and wonderful and loving and kind.
I am so lucky to be in your heart and to be given the chance to share the (almost 4) years we’ve spent together.
When I went to University I never in my life imagined that I would come out with the man of my dreams…
But it did, you happened and I’m so grateful my life turned out so different from what I had wanted back then.
I was so in love with you, and you made me feel like the luckiest girl.
Because of you I started to move forwards and even heal from some of the old wounds I still had.
I don’t even know how you can thank someone for that .
But I wanted so badly to try. I wanted you to feel like how you made me feel, unfortunately it didn’t always mean that those feelings were good.

We couldn’t always be in a honeymoon period and not everything was going to be perfect. I’ll be damned if I hear of anyone who has had a perfect relationship and had never had disagreements with their partner.
Because when you’re around someone so much, and you have any expectations at all from them…
Well at some point they’re bound to let you down…
And you did.
You let me down.
We let each-other down, we hurt each-other with our words and our actions.
We prioritised other things over ourselves, we didn’t celebrate Valentine’s days, anniversaries, birthdays.
We forgot about the importance of being romantic.

As time went on we started to neglect our basic need of love and quality time.
We took for granted the fact that we could be with each-other and we fought about the silliest things that at the time seemed so huge, worst of all we were unforgiving.

But despite this all we loved so deeply and we fought for what we both felt in our hearts was the chance at true love. And I am, hopelessly and helplessly in love with you.
I want the same things we wanted back when we first fell in love, but some stuff have been added to my dreams just like they have been to yours…

Sometimes we can be so happy then one of us will snap and we’ll have a full blown fight and forget about the magical few hours we were having.

In the time we’ve been together I’ve done things that I haven’t been able to forgive myself for, likewise you’ve done the same… And adding those together plus the fact that we can’t forgive each-other…
How do people move forward from that?
We’ve tried to change each-other almost forgetting that those qualities were what made us fall in love with each-other in the first place.
Why would we do that?
Then the compromises that we couldn’t make, the ones that would leave one of us extremely unhappy and the other with nothing but guilt and slight regret as well as the thought on the back of our minds that maybe the other one will now be undoubtably unhappy and make us unhappy in return.

We would also count…
Count everything, every penny the other spent, the time one of us did a job and another didn’t…. Every time the other spent time with friends and the other was left alone…
It became a counting game that wasn’t fun and didn’t result in anything good.

It became easier to be mad at each-other because there were more stuff to be mad about than not. Sometimes I think we do it because we blame each-other for each others failures…
We shouldn’t be at the point of our relationship already.
We both grew up and grew apart…
The harder we try the worse it gets…
It’s difficult to swallow the truth when it’s not what you want to hear, and for a while I played dumb to what I knew deep in my heart to be the truth.

I love you, you love me…
It’s not the question of whether or not we’re in love but whether this is right anymore, oh how I wish it was, how I badly wish that it was right.
But what can you do when you’ve exhausted your patience and you can’t wait for the other person to change or at least realise that the situation needs to be fixed.
What can you do if none of you are willing to admit that maybe it just isn’t working out and you both deserve a chance to be happy even if it means being a part.

As I sit and watch our world fall apart, I wonder how we got to where we are now.
I wonder how we went from being strangers to lovers to enemies.
I wonder where all those dreams of two people in love went and whether they still exist in amongst the anger and fighting.

As I sit and watch our world fall apart, I pray that whatever fate will have in store for us, we will still be happy and accept that we followed the path that was best for us as individuals.

As I sit and watch our world fall apart, I accept that I may not be the one for you anymore, that there may actually be another person walking on this earth that can make you smile that familiar smile, laugh the way you used to and enjoy what life has to offer with.

I accept that despite how much I loved you, sometimes love isn’t enough and you can’t force your dreams and hopes on someone if it isn’t what they want in return.

As I sit and watch our world fall apart, I notice you sitting, watching me and I get this feeling like maybe all we needed was to watch our world apart to be able to put it back together.

Always yours,

Jessy ❤


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