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10 Things I Wish I’d Never Said

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There was a time when I’d sit and wonder, about crazy things…stupid things, sometimes things that probably wouldn’t make sense to a lot of people…like how long is a piece of string…why do bunnies multiply so fast…but usually…it’s just about love and why just when you think you’ve got it so perfect, something happens to make you second guess EVERYTHING.

I’ve always tried to grow up faster than I should have, meddling in things someone my age shouldn’t…smoking, drinking, before I even knew that Jack Daniels wasn’t just a name of a person but alcohol…but that’s not what this is about, this is about the first time i met you…because out of everything I wish I hadn’t “meddled” in, the biggest one would be love.

1) Hello…

I wish I’d never said hello to you, because that hello led to me knowing you, slowly our friendship led to us falling in love. And yes, we were both so young…but it didn’t stop us…in fact if anything, everyone’s warnings just made us want to try harder, to fight harder, to love harder. I wish we hadn’t gotten close that summer… when it really began, talking online till 3 am, about everything, anything, just trying to find an excuse to talk to each other. Somewhere between all our silly conversations, dressing up for a webcam chat, and our internet ‘dates’ of watching movies on the same channel at the same time, I thought to myself ‘I could really fall in love with this guy’…and what do you know I eventually did…that hello, it still burns me…my advice? You should be careful who you say hello to…because we all know a hello eventually ends in a goodbye.

2) Pinky Promise?

I don’t know who started it…but I know we had plenty of these…pinky promise you won’t leave. Pinky promise you won’t laugh. pinky promise anything…everything…just say it and I’m yours…because back then we thought those promises wouldn’t be solid unless we PINKY PROMISED…funny…because I remember some pinky promises that aren’t happening now…it’s easy to get lost in the fantasy of truly believing promises can be counted for something when your that in love…could it be that we were that naive…to think…that we could still be in love…after everything. Everything we went through. We pinky promised about almost anything…we pinky promised we wouldn’t bail on a date….that we’d call after school…that we’d be here, or there anywhere…then suddenly your pinky promises became more urgent, I didn’t pick up on it being so important to you…I never thought of the importance of those silly pinky promises till it was too late…then they became less and less, then all together stopped…because that’s when you gave up on me…on us…Christmas came, all I could think about was all the plans we’d made…when we didn’t think we’d be spending it apart…when we thought we’d still be in love…I spent the most terrible few weeks, the lead up to Christmas so miserable…then Christmas day you surprised me with a text…all that I had wanted…i thought it meant you cared…my happiness was short lived when after admitting how long I waited for you to text and how sad I was that we couldn’t be together for it, you told me…’promises are made…to be broken’. That’s when I realised…we’d never pinky promised…that you’d always be mine…

3) This song reminds me of you…

The mistake most of us make. Because when we’re so high on love, we can’t help listen to cheesy songs and pick lyrics out of it and send it to our special ‘someone’…“you’re so amazing you took the time to figure me out…”…“Me…I’m the one you chose…out of the people you wanted me the most”…in my own experience…the painful lyrics of Fall For You- by Secondhand Serenade, and the beautifully broken words from Falling in love- by Jessica Lowndes…2 songs introduced to me by you…we listened to it so many times I’m not surprised we knew the lyrics in our sleep…what used to be beautiful songs that accompanied our love to me is now nothing but a painful soundtrack to the heartache I felt everyday … Every time I hear those songs…the ones I put together into a mix tape every month for you to listen to…carefully making CD cases to house our ‘precious songs’…the ones I chose specifically, the ones that described our story…the ups, downs and memories…instead of bringing back the happy times, it pained me physically…emotionally…mentally….I still can’t listen to Tanging Hiling…the song I begged you to translate to me in English…just the way you are…the one you’d sing to me…the one I felt was meant souly for me…but only when you sang it…the songs haunt me…and now instead of enjoying them I have to change the radio station…I have press skip on my ipod…I have to delete from my head…I know you’re probably thinking…how pathetic I am…but if you only knew…truly knew, what those words say to me, in these songs, the memories held within them…the ones that mean most to me…because I know songs mean different things to different people…but if you knew…what it meant to me…you’d think twice before dedicating your favourite song to someone, who could give you a reason to hate it one day.

4) Forever…

Who knew 7 letters could mean a whole lot…forever isn’t a, till next week sort of thing…it isn’t a next year…it’s not even till I die…it’s…well…FOREVER….forever is a long time…but time flies when you’re in love…then again it can really drag when you’re watching the person you love living their forever…without you. I remember when ‘forever’ passed through our lips more than…the or and…stupid huh…because no one has control of forever…there’s a whole lot of in-between before we even reach forever…but for us, we felt like we controlled the hands of time…we truly believed we had a forever together…we’d planned our lives based on the assumption that our deadline lay in the word forever…who were we to know that one day we’d break each others hearts…that the forever we talked about wasn’t going to happen…at least not together…what happens now? Where do we go from here…now that forever isn’t happening…does that mean we have to start from the beginning? Taking different paths to our own destinations…because I don’t think I can…I don’t think I want to do that….because I know that…that forever now only means…a forever without you…

5) Joen…

People made fun of our names put together…people like making ‘love team’ names by combining their first names together. Ours weren’t exactly the cutest…in fact I’d much rather we didn’t have one…which made everyone laugh harder…eventually we came up with Joen…a combination of your middle name and mine…it seemed like a perfect name…then we built a little story around it…expanding to the future…we planned…like we always did…we decided Joen would be the baby boy that we’d have one day…when we’re old…along with the dream house that you were going to design…Joen and our dream house, seemed so perfect…it would fit nicely into our carefully planned ‘future’…yes…that was the ‘plan’…just like promises, plans are made to be broken…so when those dreams died…I was afraid that Joen…the non existent person i had longed for in my head…would also die along with all of it…I didn’t want him to…because just because you had given up and let go didn’t mean that I had to give up all that i had dreamed of…and so I did the unthinkable…I carved Joen into my forever…as a reminder of what I had, what I lost…and what I would someday see as making me stronger…though Joen died to you…he still lives strong in me, and will forever teach me about myself and relationships…

6) September 2012.

That date. In 2008 it seemed like forever away, we couldn’t wait, then in 2011, I just wanted time to stop so that, that date wouldn’t come along…I didn’t want that time to come…because to you it was when you got celebrate a special birthday… but to me it was when everything we looked forward to would become NOTHING…we planned…that stupid word again…we had our countdown…to when we could finally get our together forever ‘plan’ to get going…September 2012 you said you would ask me to marry you…people may have laughed…say we were too young…because they had no clue…just how in love we were…how crazy we were about each other…how much we wanted to be an ‘us’…how strong our love was…September 2012…isn’t anything but a date now…but I used to hold my breath…because I would wonder… what if in your new life, you planned your own forever with someone new…you may have fallen in love with her…you might have even planned to marry her too…will you ask her then? If you do…would you think about me…and how that night was meant to be our night…would you wonder what would have happened had it been me instead…because if it was me…I’d have said yes…

7) Don’t forget to wish upon the stars…

I’m afraid of the dark…I love stars…we liked laying under the stars…how beautiful they are and how the possibilities of life seem endless when we’re underneath them…so one summer you put a load of glow in the dark stars on my ceiling for me…so I’d always be reminded by you…and no longer would I have to sleep in complete darkness…you did countless thoughtful things for me…things that back then I didn’t appreciate as much as you’d have liked…thank you…I want to say that…for everything that you have done for me…I couldn’t ask for more…I was so lucky to have had all of that…one night I thought it’d be a corny idea…to say don’t forget to wish upon the stars…because if we said it to each other I figured that if we ever heard the word stars or saw stars we’d think of each other…I read somewhere that no matter how far you are from someone, look up at the sky…because wherever they are…you’re looking up at the same sky…isn’t that a beautiful thought? Well now I still have the stars…on my ceiling…shining every night tucking me into bed…giving me that small hope that one day…we’ll both look up at the sky but with two people who can love us just as much as we love them and instead of being reminded of the pain we caused each other, being grateful for having something so beautiful to share with someone new…

8) You’re suffocating me!

I was one of those girls who didn’t know what she had till it was gone…you were the guy who was dedicated and faithful…you loved me more than any guy could love another girl…you gave me more in the 2 years we were together than I had ever gotten from anyone in my entire life…I loved you…but I was broken…I was selfish…and I didn’t know better… I still believed I had a million chances…you were just playing the dutiful boyfriend who cared about his girlfriend…something that is rare nowadays…I took that for granted…trouble started and I wasn’t used to someone having so much faith in me like you did…I wasn’t used to having someone love me…not truly anyway…I had no idea what that even felt like. You always wanted to be with me…you always wanted to talk to me…to know what I was doing…that wasn’t a bad thing…but I didn’t really see it as you caring…not until now…I told you, you were suffocating me…you told me that, that broke your heart…I didn’t realise…I had no idea…because I didn’t think about your feelings…I couldn’t understand why or how a guy could stay up so late at nights just to say goodnight to me…why a guy would travel back and forth just to see me…why a guy would listen to my crap…read a load of words…write letters upon letters, just because he knew it would make me happy…it didn’t really click but it was because you loved me…now I’m thinking about all of this because I loved you…but I now realise I never showed you that, and you probably went our entire relationship never knowing.

9) Love me less…

One night I had gone out with friends…you called me all night, eventually I picked up…I’d had a few too many to drink…I hadn’t called to say I couldn’t talk to you that night…we talked and I had gotten annoyed…I asked you why you kept calling me…you said it’s because you loved me…I said those 3 words I’ll never forget…the words that burns me to this day…the words I wish I could take back…“Love me less”…I should have said “I Love You”…instead I chose to break your heart further…destroy what little faith you had left in us…break my chance at healing the broken heart that I had, had for so long…I can’t tell you how much I want to take those words back…how I want to erase the pain that I had caused you that night…to go back to that moment and hug you and tell you how sorry I was…I am…because it was wrong…so wrong…and yet…I think…maybe if I hadn’t said those words…you wouldn’t be happier than you’d ever been now…you wouldn’t have moved on and found someone knew…so maybe me breaking you heart was the nicest thing I could have done for you…because if hadn’t then you’d not be starting your new future…me going through all of this…me hurting…that’s just the process of it all…I’m going through what you did when you were with me…I deserve it…but then again…would it be selfish to say…that I wish I could take it all back…with the knowledge of what life is like without you…I’d rather battle the troubles and hardships with someone who knows how to love…than live the single life…single means freedom…but freedom means missing you. I’m so glad I allowed myself the time to heal, because much like you I was able to move forward in life, and now I’m able to learn from the mistakes I made.

10) I Love You.

If I’d never said those words I’d never have believed them…because i love you…mean a whole lot more than 3 simple words…it’s all very well saying them…but it’s a big deal when you feel it too. I fell in love with you on the 14th of February 2009…our very first valentines day together…I remember being so happy because you’d made a big effort to come to our valentines day party…you gave me a silver heart necklace…I still have it…never wear it…you told me you loved me…you found it hard to get out…like you were scared…you almost whispered it…you told me this right there in that corridor…the only place we could have a little privacy away from our friends…I said I loved you too…and I believed it…I felt it…and from then on…there was never a day we never said I love you to each other…never a text without a small x’s both knowing it meant those 3 words…And I did love you… and for so many years, nothing changed about how I felt for you…for all those times you tried to push me away, the tighter I held on…because I genuinely believed that I was eternally yours…in complete contrast, I wouldn’t be this way, re-learning how to love, trying harder in relationships, if I had never said I loved you…

But out of all the things I wish I hadn’t said…

I have one thing I wish I had said…

Anything…anything at all to stop you from leaving before it was too late…I’m sorry…it could have been the two words that kept you standing in front of me…I’m sorry…could have made you see how wrong I was about everything…I’m sorry…would have been what I’d said…if I hadn’t been so proud…so determined that I was wrong for you…it would have come out of my lips had I not been so convinced this was what I had wanted.Thank you…for all that you had done…thank you for putting up with so much from me through the years…thank you for loving me and giving me so much more than i could have asked for…forgive me for all that I had done to you…forgive me for the late night crying, shouting and heartache, forgive me for how it all ended and how I never gave you a reason to stay…don’t forget the happy memories and times we held each other till daylight not wanting our time together to end…don’t forget that time we spent the day messing about and building our love till it became too much to loose…don’t forget, the moment we fell in love and the moment we fell out of love…

Because despite it all, you’ll always be my first love…you’ll be the reason why I give my all to the person who shows me dedication like you did to me… you’ll be the one I think about every time I look at the stars…you’ll be the one I thank when those special days come along…you’ll be the one I remember when I finally meet the one. 5 years on the pain is getting better, the time has granted me forgiveness, the sadness is beginning to subside. I no longer have to pretend to be hopeful for my romantic future, and no longer feel guilt every time I fall in love.

Because of you I learnt how to be able to move on with my life and be open to new opportunities, even if it scares me and I’m afraid of leaving myself vulnerable. I am getting over my fear because I now know that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Sometimes we say something we wish we’d never said…but the problem with that is…once you’ve said something out loud, you can never take it back…and the only thing left is to deal with the consequences…it isn’t always an easy thing…and as corny as it sounds…learn from those mistakes…because as humans we’re all bound to make the same mistakes twice…sometimes more…more often than not, we forget how words can really affect people…you may not see it now…but if you’re like me…you’ll find yourself thinking about it later on…maybe at 4am…when all you want is to sleep, but instead having to blog about your emotions instead…something harder than dealing with the consequences of your words is taking the blame for them…so take a few minutes and think about something you may have said to someone, maybe it had a longer lasting effect than you actually realise.

Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday but most importantly, you proud everyday!

Peace and Love

Jessy x

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