I bet you’ve been there… Your relationship has just ended and you can’t quite believe it. You don’t know how to react, maybe you cry? Maybe you’re too numb to feel anything… Then one morning you wake up and you convince yourself that if this “one thing” happened, you’d be able to move on and move forward… If only he would just see you one last time, so you can say a proper goodbye… If only she would say she didn’t love you anymore, to your face, maybe you’d be able to believe it… Maybe you’d get over it quicker?
The truth is everyone is different, everyone acts differently, and your mourning process is your own, and is not the same as anyone else’s. The one thing we all share in common is our need for closure. But even if we all need/crave/seek a closure, doesn’t mean it’s what’s best for us, nor does it make our healing process any easier.
I went through a humiliating time when I refused to believe a relationship was over so on the day we broke up, our 2 year anniversary, I found myself travelling to my ex’s house with my gifts and card ready to celebrate. Imagine my surprise when he at first refused to see me, but begrudgingly agreed after much pushing from me.
I don’t know at what point my closure was presented to me, when he broke up with me? When he told me he didn’t love me anymore? When he told me he had already started seeing someone else and had even sent her a bunch of flowers when in our two years together he had sent me 1 bunch and it had been when we’d been together for 1 year 8 months… It didn’t matter when my closure was presented, my heart refused to see it and each passing day I prayed for just one closure, the more closures that came my way, the more I was blind to it and was looking for just one closure. The closures I was given was not enough, I refused to accept them as closures. The truth was I just wasn’t ready, ready for the truth, ready for the closure, ready for it to be over. In fact I didn’t move on until the relationship had been over for 4 years… Yes that long.
From that I took that, though I looked for closure, it wasn’t the closure that helped me move on, really for the most part of my heartbreak healing process, time was my best friend. I’m not claiming to be completely healed from those past heartbreaks but by moving on I mean I can once again function as a human being without being completely devastated that Bruno Mars is on the radio or that they’re in another new relationship.
Recently I was talking to my best friend, she’s at the start of her heartbreak healing process and was trying to make a convincing argument for why the guy who broke up with her, made a really good friend. Now whilst I am all up for being friends with your ex’s I’m very sceptical about friendships where one person likes the other person more than the other, not “like” as in “awh I like you as a friend” but “like” as in “awh I love you so much and I’m going to be your friend until you love me back”. Plainly and honestly I could see her motive behind her maintaining her friendship with him, it was very transparent but she seemed to see it as purely innocent. She could have made a compelling arguement if she hadn’t told me earlier that their new friendship would involve them continuing to hang out, see eachother, maybe sleep with eachother, friends with benefits style, as long as she agreed that they would contact (text/call) eachother a lot less and that they would cease all communication when he starts to see someone new.
Is anyone screaming?
I very calmly asked her, what in her right mind made her think this deal was in anyway beneficial to her, especially since she wasn’t quite understanding that essentially he was telling her that they could be friends with benefits until he found a replacement for her. She told me she wanted some closure in order to move on from him and instantly I thought, how was his proposition not closure enough? Then it hit me… People only see what they want to and maybe that closure was enough for me, an unwilling participant, but for her, she was very much emotionally invested and it was not enough.
I asked her why she needed closure so much and she like many heartbroken souls before her replied, so that I know it’s truly over.
She’s so hard to hate because you can’t be mad at someone for falling in love. But I can’t help but wonder what the benefits of closure is if you’re not willing to open your eyes to it when it first manifests itself.
We’ve all made the mistake of dwelling one day too long on a failed relationship waiting desperately for some closure, whether the closures purpose is a green light for you to move on, or a flag to say it’s truly over, or whatever reason that that much sought after closure is for you.
Waiting for this ending can be a fruitless journey, it may be that no big closure will be enough for you, it may take a long time, you may find yourself being the only person on earth caring anymore and that whilst waiting for this thing to come along, your insignificant other found someone new and got married, had some kids and has retired.
To me, seeking closure is to hold yourself back from the possibility of being happy and seizing the opportunity for a fresh start.
But in retrospect, there is something healing from a closure, for those lucky enough to be able to accept their ending, they stand the chance of living a “what if” free life. Getting a closure can be good for officially closing a chapter in your life but that doesn’t mean your new chapter can’t begin without it.
Having closure is great, but you’ve got to remember you control your own life, if you want to wait around then fine, but remember that whilst you’re sitting their wallowing in self pity, the world will continue and people will move on, the question you’ve got to ask yourself is, do you want the world to continue without you? Do you want to be left behind, and finally, is it really worthit?
Letting go and moving on doesn’t mean you’re weak and have given up, it means you were strong enough to move forward and that you value yourself enough to accept that some things just don’t work out.
You’re going to meet a great number of people in your lifetime, some will be there for a fleeting visit and others will be around for a long time, but everyone you meet will teach you a thing or to about yourself and about life.
Though it’s easy to wait for a closure to help you end that period of time in your life, have courage to be the kind of person who shows themselves love and respect and walk forwards with pride.
If your story with that person is meant to continue then it will happen naturally, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you had to force? Sometimes people realise too late that they lost something really great, but that’s their loss… You’re a wonderful person and you’re going to find someone who is going to value and appreciate you, someone who won’t take you for granted or make you question your position in their life.
Do yourself a favour and stop assuming that you need a closure to commemorate the ending of something, in fact stop seeing it as an end altogether, but instead see it as a beginning, of new possibilities and a chance at a truly great romance.
And remember, in order to move forward, you must stop looking back.
Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday and you proud everyday.
Peace and Love,