I’m the first to admit I’ve got a long list of failed relationships and that they haven’t always been the healthiest, easiest or happiest. The one thing you can’t fault me on is my way of opening myself to love. I love to love and despite my experiences and what the men who have been and gone have taught me, I still believe there is such a thing as true love and that someday I will live my very own happily ever after.
Every relationship I’ve been in no matter how long or short have taught me some valuable things about love, relationships and what I myself can bring into a relationships, because it is after all, a two way situation.
This particular story talks about love, relationships, both romantic and friendships, as well as your own self-worth.
It’s about a guy, let’s call him Paul, who I fell madly in love with, and a girl, let’s call her Laura, who was one of my best friends. This is their story, but it’s also mine to share. I felt I earned that privilege when they committed the biggest friendship sin I think you can commit, betrayal.
To understand this story, I must first take you through 2 different back stories. I’ll spare you as much of the boring details as I can, but do excuse some as it helps move this story along.
So Laura was a new friend who had recently moved to Plymouth, she was the cousin of one of the guys in my friendship group. It wasn’t that our group was exclusive, it’s just that we had grown up together and so we were always protective and cautious when anyone wanted to join in our “inner” circle. The guys didn’t care so much, they were happy just as long as we could still chill like normal, the girls were a little more suspicious of Laura, granted, at the time she had no reason for us to suspect anything was amiss with her but we all just had a gut feeling that she was bad, unfortunately this was not something we discussed until it was too late. You know that feeling when someone is all rainbow and sunshine and smiles but you feel like something is going on beneath the surface…and it wasn’t that we were being cynical, some people just give you that feeling and it’s often hard to explain, and that’s why I just stayed silent. One of my friends Kelly, told us as a group that we should be open to her as she could make a really good and valuable member of our group. We all just kind of went along with it, each believing the other wanted to welcome her into our tight knit group.
Fast forward to the first couple of months of Laura being our “friend” and it was like we’d known her for a long time, she fit right in and as wild and crazy as we were. Laura was the kind of girl who would be a prim and proper lady in front of the watching eyes of the Filipino community parents, but behind closed doors, she would get drunk to the point of getting paralytic, or would be sick, I like to call that her party trick. Every party, Laura would be throwing up somewhere or she would be passed out, but right before that would happen she would probably be making out, or ya’know, other things, with some guy somewhere. In fact when it came to the girls slutting themselves up, and making out with each-other to get the guys riled up, she was first to volunteer, but that’s why we loved her, she was crazy like us. If I had one complaint it was that I hated how she pretended to be good as gold in front of the adults and so whilst we were sat being lectured or judged she was being praised for not falling into our bad influence, all the while we would secretly be remembering the events of the night before when Laura was having sex with a stranger in the other room. Don’t get me wrong, we were not perfect virgins who did no wrong. We were by every standard, good friends to each other but we were devious, sneaky and broke every rule we could, but we owned it. We gave no apologies for who we were and what we did, and that’s because we never really did anything that damaged anyone other than ourselves. What really bothered me about Laura, was whilst we were not the best influence, we never forced anyone to do anything they didn’t want to do, when smoking pot, drinking or partaking in various activities, and we never coaxed or forced anyone to join us. But with Laura, she would guilt or embarrass you into following her, it always felt like if you didn’t do what she wanted to do then you’d be alienated by everyone else, and that’s how she made us feel, none of us ever talked about this, but why would we, we all thought the others agreed with her. To the core, Laura was a wolf in sheep’s clothing and she had everyone fooled, especially me.
I met Paul at a party, I know what you’re thinking, have you learnt nothing? There’s plenty of stories that begin with… I met *insert new victim here* at a party. It was on the lead up to Christmas and my insignificant other of about 2 years had only recently broke up so I was devastated. All my friends were going to a party where he would be attending and so to me, that was a no-go. So when I was invited by a friend to go to a party in Exeter I jumped at the chance. Unfortunately none of my faithful friends could go as they’d already committed to the other party, so I spoke to Laura and begged her to come with me, she agreed. Prior to the party we had a pre-party pep talk, yes they do exist! She was trying to recover from her most recent break up like me and so we agreed to be each-others wing woman, we promised each other that upon entering the party we would eye up the potential candidates, like a meat market and then we would help each other with our chosen targets, and that’s exactly what we did.
Upon entering the house party, my eyes instantly zoned in on a guy in a blue shirt called John, I was hooked. Laura saw a guy in a purple hat, Paul. We also met girl called Naomi, at the party who had a crush on one of our friends who we had come to the party with, Zack, each guy who took our fancy were dressed in their different colours so we stupidly nicked named them, Blueberry = John, Grapes = Paul, Blackberry = Zack. You can tell how creative we were.
As the party progressed, I did my best to attract the attention of Blueberry but he was having none of it… No hard feelings, he actually became a very good friend of mine down the line. I did notice that just as desperate as I was to get him to notice me, he was eagerly trying to show off to Grapes. I couldn’t help feel jealous but then Laura pulled me to the side “you’re not helping me with Grapes.” she whined, I told her I noticed she was getting close to Blueberry and she laughed and told me she was doing it for me, so in guilt I apologised. At some point or another, I was having fun with Naomi whilst Blueberry and Laura sat in private, I continued to believe she was being a friend and talking me up to him. A guy approached me from behind and handed me a drink, we had been chatting for a while when I saw Laura glaring at me from the distance. I looked at the guy and told him I didn’t recognise him, he put his hat on and that’s when I realised it was Grapes, I thought perfect, she probably thinks I’m flirting with him so instead I thought, I’ll be a good friend. I started talking about Laura and even pointed her way a couple of times so he would know who she was. She continued to glare but I just smiled thinking, you’re going to love me!
Every time I tried to steer the conversation to Laura, Grapes would insist on turning it back on me, he persisted until I just walked away, because though I enjoyed talking to him, and he though he seemed like a genuinely nice guy, I valued my friendship with Laura much more and it was clear to me that I couldn’t help her with Grapes.
I made my way to the bathroom but just as I was making my way in, I felt someone push me into the bathroom and when I turned around it was Laura. She stood there with anger in her eyes as she accused me of flirting with Grapes and making fun of her. Confused, I asked her what she was talking about and she said that she could see me pointing and laughing at her whilst talking to Grapes and that, me making fun of her was the only plausible reason why he hadn’t come up and talk to her. I told her she was crazy and that I had no motive to do so. I also threw in the fact that she had spent the majority of the night flirting with Blueberry and even disappearing with him occasionally. She told me she had been talking about me the entire time and that she thought he would come over soon enough. We apologised to each other, hugged it out and left the bathroom with new plans.
Grapes approached me almost immediately, we stood in the corridor and I told him that he should speak to Laura or else he’d regret it, so when we walked back into the room, I spotted Laura on her own and lightly tapped him in her direction. I watched as he walked up to her and saw the glee on her face, just as that was happening Blueberry came to talk to me, but for the 10 minutes we stood in each other’s company he talked about Laura and how fantastic she was, I remember thinking, “God, you’re good looking but you’re so dull!” I couldn’t help feel annoyed, I hadn’t travelled over an hour to come to a party and talk about Laura all night. Eventually, I stopped responding to his attempts at Laura related conversations and excused myself to get a drink.
When I came back I noticed that Grapes, Blueberry and Laura were nowhere to be found so instead I mingled and chatted. Naomi was having no luck with Blackberry but she was hopeful. Her energy lifted my spirits and we decided to give up our fruitless attempts to lure our perspective guys and instead have fun!
I felt like I had been drinking for hours and had begun to feel dizzy, I wanted to lay down so I went to find a quiet room, I noticed a closed door, and rather than a usual person who would see a closed door and know not to go in, I instead saw it as an invitation. I opened the door and heard some shuffling, then I saw Blueberry and Laura. I don’t actually know if they saw me or not, but either way, I really wish I hadn’t seen it.
I went outside to get some air. Even though I didn’t care that Blueberry didn’t like me, I was deeply hurt that Laura would betray me like that, and what about Grapes? She had made a big deal about me staying away from him, but I had really connected with him. I thought about my feelings and how I was still pining for my ex. I knew I wasn’t ready but it was so nice to feel so connected to someone again, over the past few weeks I had been slowly convincing myself I wasn’t worthy of love that I had actually begun to believe it.
As I wondered around, I heard someone come out of the house behind me. I turned around and it was Grapes. We both smoked and talked, I asked him what had happened with Laura and he said he just wasn’t interested. He said she seemed self-centred and couldn’t hold a proper conversation with her. We talked about ourselves, asking each other questions about where lived, what the city was like, nothing in particular but I felt comfortable around him. I told him about the silly pact that Laura and I had made, and admitted that she had chosen him and I had chosen Blueberry. He just laughed and admitted that Blueberry was very interested in Laura, I asked him if that was why he backed away and he said no, she wasn’t his type. I will admit that at this point I wondered whether I was his type but then shock that thought away as I neither cared nor did it matter.
Grapes wasn’t a handsome guy, not like Blueberry, he wasn’t built in a strong and towering way that would catch your attention right away, he just wasn’t my type, but his personality made him so charismatic. He knew how to hold a conversation with someone that made you feel like he was engaged, he had a boyish charm, he was one of the guys and yet he had a sensitivity to him that really attracted me to him. Like he could talk about everything and anything but if you scratch beneath the surface, there’s a lot of hidden treasures that he is only willing to show a select few. He had a lot going on but nothing he cared to share with anyone, well tortured souls and emotionally unavailable men were my speciality.
In my rich dating history, I can only describe it through Taylor Swift’s lyrics… “I can make the bad guys good for a weekend…” and I would do that with pretty much all the guys I dated, I’d make them good, lure them in and when I was bored I would self-destruct and they would become the most horrible men in my world… and something none of them could do was make me ‘good’ or less selfish.
Grapes was very obviously interested in me, I knew it and I couldn’t deny the mutual attraction, he made me laugh but he also brought out a fear in me, that night I witnessed him get aggressively angry at strangers who were rowdy and rude, I saw him try and instigate a fight and then angrily punch a wall… and instead of running away because I had no time for mess like that, I found myself chasing and running for him to love me. But this all happened in a span of one night, I had no interest in it continuing further than that. Even if it was for the night, I wanted to have the best night. We had a great time together, acting like kids, being immature, all the while Laura continued to glare at us whilst making out with Blueberry. I didn’t let her upset me though. I had fun with Grapes and it was all innocent, it really was.
The party drew to a close and I could see Blueberry and Laura getting settled into their own private space, I looked at Grapes and he ushered me to talk to him in private. I really hoped he wouldn’t make a move, because despite how angry I was with Laura, I still didn’t want to betray her trust. We sat and talked on the stair well, he asked for my number and I gave it to him, still convinced that it was all innocent…but slowly it was become not so innocent…and I couldn’t stop it… I didn’t want to stop it.
We talked for a little longer whilst people around us were either leaving or creating makeshift beds for themselves. I felt at ease in Grapes presence and I liked being around him, I liked the sound of his voice or the way he would smile, I enjoyed hearing his stupid jokes and the way he would sing (awfully) but he tried. Part of me had this feeling like he had in his own head the idea of the perfect girl and even though I didn’t fit the part, he was willing to turn me into her… god how romantic right? But it’s only time and self-evaluation that I realised that this was the case. At the time I was convinced his ideas were just ways to help me be better, not to turn me into a clone of what he perceived to be the perfect human being. When he tried to kiss me for the first time I pulled away, I just didn’t think I wanted that. Before any further temptation, I got up and went downstairs to sleep on the sofa, I think he caught my hint because he didn’t follow me, and I’m so glad he didn’t.
The morning after, Naomi, Laura and I gathered together in one bedroom to talk about the events of the previous nights. Despite the fact that Naomi had no success in securing Blackberry, she did manage to steal his attention for the majority of the night so we celebrated for her. Then Laura looked at me and said ‘I see you got cosy with Grapes last night.’ I almost choked. The nerve she had of accusing me of cosying up to the guy she liked when she had basically shacked up with Blueberry in front of me. I told her just this and she tried to cover herself by claiming that he was all over her and she couldn’t get rid of him. Whilst I believed her for the most part, I didn’t feel guilt that Grapes and I had shared a moment. She begged me to help her with Grapes and I remember feeling disgusted that she had spent all evening with his best friend and now she wanted Grapes too, this theme of Laura wanting everything and leaving nothing and no-one for anyone else became a recurring theme for the rest of our friendship. But with Grapes it was different, I let her have her chance, I let Grapes have his chance, and nothing happened so as far as I was concerned, he was fair game.
Over the next few weeks, Grapes and I talked every day, every night. We’d text, call and he would visit me occasionally. We had fun, he was the sweetest guy, but I couldn’t stop crying about my ex. Grapes was so patient with me, he kept reminding me how he was willing to wait, but I just felt so guilty, guilty that whilst I was having fun and developing strong feelings for Grapes, I was still crying over my ex, but also guilty that I was stringing poor Grapes along. I felt like I couldn’t make a decision fast enough so in the end, I just said no to all the possibilities of love with Grapes. He told me I hurt him like no-other had ever hurt him before. He wanted to make sure I had made the right decision but at the time I didn’t even know what the right or wrong decision was. I found myself hurting at the, what could have been and what was…and hated my ex even more for all of this.
Laura and Blueberry fell in love and began to date, she didn’t even need my permission because she didn’t care but I told her it was fine anyway. I then asked her for permission and of course she didn’t grant it to me, but in the end I didn’t care either. I remember her seeming happy when I told her things with Grapes and I had ended, but still I found great comfort in her friendship because I felt like she understood how I felt.
Guys came and went, it was okay then because I never really developed any real connections to them. I couldn’t help thinking about Grapes but I knew I had made the right decision because I wanted to just ‘play the field’ for a little while. I began to date another guy, let’s call him Chase. He’s a story for another time but we will talk about him briefly here. Chase was so self-assured and thought he was God’s gift to man. He made me cringe and made my skin crawl but yet I found myself playing the dutiful role of part time girlfriend. Really he was just a past time… but of course I was always afraid to say so. In the whole history of my love life, Chase will probably be the only guy, who had a big impact in my life, that I never cried over…so well done Chase, you didn’t emotionally scar me like the others, but you were perhaps the biggest bastard of them all.
So whilst my self-loving journey progressed, Laura and I grew closer, so much so that I confided in her about my relationship with Chase. I told her how miserable I was and how much I hated being with him…I made him jump through hoops, for fun, for my own twisted pleasure, all in retaliation to his own mind games. He, much like Grapes wanted to mould me into the perfect human being and I was far from that. I told her how much I missed Grapes and how I wish things could end but on Chase’s terms because I knew I would lose a lot of friends if I ended things with him. She was always there for me, she offered advice, or just a shoulder to lean on. I was really thankful to find a friend in her.
Then a phone call came from one of my best friends, Ava called me to tell me that Laura had cheated on Blueberry with her ex-boyfriend. Shock Horror! Like in typical chick flick, we gathered our group of girlfriends (minus) Laura into a conference call and discussed this news. After going back and forth about our loyalty to Laura and our loyalty to Blueberry who we had all become good friends with, not just through Laura but because he was slowly becoming an honorary member of our group… if truth be told most of us preferred him to Laura anyway, over the course of our friendship with Laura, she had managed to rub us all up the wrong way at some point or another, others more so than me but still there was a constant feeling of animosity amongst us girls and the common reason behind it was always Laura.
In the end we decided our friendship with Blueberry was worth keeping whereas Laura was easily replaced. None of us had established a real friendship with her and despite the fact that I had grown closer to her, I had developed protective and sisterly feelings towards Blueberry…so we called Blueberry up and connected him to our conference…where we all told him how much we loved him and how we valued his friendship…then Ava told him the bad news. He was silent for a few minutes and then explained his disbelief. We knew how much he valued us for sharing this information but we couldn’t help hurt at his broken heart.
Thus began the unravelling of our friendship with Laura. It started with us phasing her out, until none of us spoke to her anymore. After a few weeks, she called me and begged me to speak to the other girls, she said ‘I’m sorry I hurt your friend Blueberry’ and I couldn’t help notice the detachment in her voice. It was like she couldn’t own up to what she did and instead tried to separate herself from the situation. One thing was for sure, she knew, having us as friends benefitted her more than it benefitted us.
I saw her from that moment as a social climber who relied on our group to meet and befriend others. No one was inviting her to parties on her own at that point and she knew in order to have a social life, she had to find friends in us. Whilst the other girls were not as willing, I caved too quickly. I felt bad leaving her on her own even if it was her own doing and in the end I agreed to talk to the other girls. Some of them seemed to give in but didn’t seem happy to be welcoming her back in to our group. We were many things but the one thing we weren’t were liars, cheaters and we never betrayed each other, especially for a guy. But Laura, she embodied everything you wanted in a frenemy, and it was hard to like her. Ava was the angriest out of the other girls, I remember very clearly that she said ‘Jessy, one day she’s going to screw you over, don’t come crying to me when it happens. You’re making a mistake forgiving her.’ I love Ava but she’s always been tough, if she makes her mind up about someone, that’s it. She rarely gives second chances and for good reason too, but I put her anger towards Laura as Ava being Ava…now I wish I had listened to her warning.
Laura came back into our group and after a while it was like nothing had happened. A chance meeting with Grapes brought back all the feelings before, unfortunately for me, it was very one sided and the sweet and attentive Grapes was no more. He was sarcastic, unresponsive and very uninterested, but still I persisted. I figured, if he had spent all that time chasing me then it would be my turn. What about Chase? You’re probably wondering. Well I told him I wanted a break from our relationship because he was too self-absorbed and was never very nice to me. With that he came chasing and running after me, but I just didn’t care anymore. I couldn’t pretend to be in love because fact of the matter was, I could barely stand him.
Laura and I went back to our usual catch ups and I confided in her my deepest secrets, I told her of my problems with Chase and my interest in Grapes. I couldn’t talk to Ava about it because she was good friends with Chase and Grapes too.
This went on for a better part of a year, whilst all this was going on behind closed doors, up front and centre, Blueberry and Ava fell in love, they did so with permission from Laura, and all was well. In fact is truth be told Blueberry and Ava were too similar not to fall in love! They had the makings of two strong and independent people who were also looking for love…I envied just how simple things were for them.
I completed my A Levels and got into University, all the while continuing to pitifully chase Grapes. I asked him why he was playing so hard to get and he re-iterated what he had last told me, a year or so before…he gave me a chance to change my mind and I did…my loss. But I explained to him that I wasn’t in the right place to be making any kind of decisions or any commitments I couldn’t make, where I was then was far from where I was at that point but I knew it would continue to be a struggle…I believed it would be worth it, Laura agreed. Laura was my personal cheerleader who encouraged me to follow my heart, she would always assure me every time I started to feel like I wanted to give up my fruitless attempt at winning Grapes, she would tell me ‘Jessy…we’ve been waiting for you and Grapes to get together, we are all routing for you both, you make the perfect couple!’ and I really believed her. I had no one else I could talk to about this situation and I relied on her heavily for support… I was always grateful for her presence and believed she really had changed as a friend, less self-centred and cared more about proving her worth has a best friend. For a long period of time, Laura knew me far better than any of my other friends, she provided me with a support system that helped me on my goal to win Grapes…without her I don’t think I would have tried so hard.
Ava and Blueberry decided to through me a going away party, back at the house where it all started. Grapes just happened to be in attendance. Unfortunately, Laura couldn’t come but she gave me a pep talk to perk me up. She reminded me of all the reasons WHY I was great and that he would fall in love with me instantly. It was a fun night and I was grateful for the people that came. We had a laugh and I even forgot my nerves around Grapes, I just know he was far from the person he used to be. He was pre-occupied the entire night, I was too. Chase was calling me constantly, not quite getting the hint. I didn’t care, I wanted Grapes. We finally had a moment of privacy when we both accidentally bumped into each other outside. We talked and I asked him over and over why he resisted me so much, he told me it was complicated and that I wouldn’t understand. I pleaded for him to tell me because all I needed to hear was that there was no chance in us becoming anything. All I wanted was some kind of confirmation because until that point he would act cold but when I went to give up he would drop a little bit of hope for me to stop me from moving on. I looked him in the eyes and told him all I needed was a closure and I would move on and we wouldn’t need to have this awkwardness anymore. He told me he couldn’t give me that, he said he had strong feelings for me but I had hurt him so much in the past that he was unsure of whether it was worth risking again. Then he took my face in his hands and pressed his forehead against mine, slowly and in a whisper I could barely hear he said ‘I’ve never had a girl drive me wild like you…if only you knew what you do to me.’
The hope in me reignited and after that it was like he went back to normal, or at least as normal as we could. It felt like he finally relaxed around me and I knew things would change from there. That night when most people went home, I went up to bed and he followed. We ended up in the same room, same bed…two very drunk people who are mutually attracted to each other, well you can imagine what can happen…and it did.
The next morning it was like nothing had happened…yes it hurt me deeply, but I felt positive because he seemed interested in going out to Breakfast with Blueberry, Ava and I. The two boys walked us to the train and saw us off, Grapes texted me and I just felt so giddy I texted Laura straight away.
I spent most of the next few weeks texting and calling Grapes, it felt like he was really considering a future for us, I told him I could potentially put off going to University for another year but he said we could ‘manage’ the distance for some time. He seemed optimistic…I really thought we would be headed somewhere. I still continued to share all this information with Laura who seemed just as excited as me, I told her everything, including our night together. She remained supportive and would often say that we were made for each other. I believed her, I really did.
Then a few days before I was due to move to University, I received a phone call that changed everything between Grapes, Laura and I. On our way back from a family dinner, my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Ava. My Dad had this strict rule that if we were in the car, we weren’t allowed to take any calls as this was considered rude to the person driving. I ignored the call, making a mental note to call her back later. Then my sister Mhissy’s phone rang, it was Ava. She too ignored it, but after the third call, Mhissy picked up. They started talking, I couldn’t hear what Ava was saying but Mhissy had a stern look on her face, when they finished talking, Mhissy hung up and sighed. She looked at me and didn’t speak for a few minutes.
“Jessy don’t look on Facebook…”
When someone says that to you what do you instantly do? Look on Facebook. I just had no idea why everyone was being so dramatic. I scrolled through my newsfeed looking for something that would stand out for me, nothing. I don’t know what made me do it… it was just on a whim really, I had this weird gut feeling, I thought what could be one of the worst things that could happen to me right now. Remember I was a young and dramatic teenage girl, I know there’s a lot of things that could have been worse but to me, at that time, the worst thing would have been to be betrayed by a friend…
I remember searching for Laura’s Facebook account and right then, I saw it… a status change… ‘In a relationship with…’
To add insult to injury? They had written that they had been dating for 3 months, and worse still, they had proudly shared their love with the world through photo albums and messages to each other, only made public within that hour. 1 minute they didn’t exist, the next minute it was all over Facebook and I was suddenly bombarded with calls and texts (Omg, did you hear about Grapes and Laura? Oh Jessy you must be so mad…sad…) I was devastated. In that moment I naively thought Laura would call me, or text me to explain what had happened. I thought maybe she would apologise for letting it get on Facebook first before telling me herself, but the truth was I knew she wouldn’t. She was the one who posted all that stuff herself. So many questions ran through my head, I felt physically sick and I held on to my tears until we got home. I couldn’t understand why two people I loved so much would betray me like that. If they had been dating for 3 months, then what the hell were we doing? Why was she letting me tell her dirty details and liaisons I had with her boyfriend…why did she let me humiliate myself for so long? And why now…why after all that time did she wait until now to make it public? My only answer was because she knew I would be leaving soon. She never once had the balls to tell me myself, even after all the hurt, I secretly wished she would call me and apologise, I thought she owed me that, I wanted her to apologise because I wanted to give her a piece of my mind, so she could see the damage she had done, but at the beginning, I wanted to do that so that we could eventually move on and move forward… she never did.
I was very lucky and I had some fantastic friends who called and comforted me, we were once again conference calling each other as my closest girlfriends rallied around me to bring me up from my depression. We came up with plans to humiliate her, expose her for the kind of person she really was. Most of our mutual friends sided with me. I could never understand why Grapes would go with a girl who had cheated on his best friend, I was disgusted at his lack of morals and vowed never to give him the chance to speak to me again. I would never give him the opportunity to explain himself to me, because I had given him plenty of opportunities before, and he instead chose to lie and hurt me like I meant nothing more than the dirt on his shoes.
I expected no less from a man, but from her? My best friend…I didn’t know what hurt more, the betrayal or the loss of a friendship. Once again I was part of a sick and twisted joke. I stayed silent for the most part, I do admit I had some pretty vocal girlfriends who shared their thoughts and feelings about the situation on social media, but I kept out of it. Laura was feeling pretty brave with herself and tried to instigate arguments with my friends, she’d already lit the hate campaign against her, and she was just adding fuel to the fire. Once I had accepted that she didn’t value me enough to give me an explanation, I decided to reach out to her myself. I invited her out for a coffee to talk about things. She ignored it and instead through vile abuse at Ava and other people close to my heart. I got phone calls from Grapes begging me to stop hurting his girlfriend because she was the love of his life. I laughed at how pathetic he was and told him he could go to hell. I prayed that someone would mug him so that he could lose his phone and so that I would never have to see him again, worst of all I wished him dead because I didn’t want to have to deal with the pain of ever seeing him again.
These two people who I once felt lucky to have in my life, created a situation where no one could win. I’ve said countless times you can’t be angry or hate someone for falling in love, and I’m not a hypocrite, I could have forgiven their injustices if they had just apologised…they didn’t give me an opportunity to accept the situation before throwing it in my face. They never gave me a chance, when I had given them countless chances.
What made it worse was I was leaving to go to University far away so I couldn’t even stick up for myself. Laura poisoned a community of my peers against me and my name became a joke. I became someone people laughed at, made fun of, talked about behind their back. I never got to say my peace so instead people had to rely on Laura’s false stories. Acting like she was brave when really she was a coward. I hurt every day because I couldn’t understand how someone could do that to a friend, I would never have stopped her if she had told me just how she felt about Grapes, I valued her friendship much more than whatever I had going with Grapes, back then I would have done anything for my friends, I would give up any guy because no guy is every worth losing a soul sister. Laura made me question my whole outlook on life. Grapes made me question myself. Was I really that unlovable? Was I that worthless that I didn’t deserve an explanation or a warning?
As I said, people in Plymouth hated me, I was seen as the enemy, I was seen as the stopping force trying to break Grapes and Laura apart. I didn’t care, the love triangle began when they snuck behind my back but ended as soon as I found out about them. The argument wasn’t about that anymore and was everything to do with the betrayal they had committed.
In a poetic justice… they broke up shortly after making their relationship public. Well I hope that all the hurt they caused was worth fucking for about 2 months. I really hope it was worth it because they caused so much pain for so many people.
I’ve learnt a lot of forgiveness in my time but this is something I cannot forgive. I have accepted and embraced the changes that have happened as a result. I know I can no longer show my face at certain parties or be friends with certain friends because of it. I learnt to let go of the past and to stop expecting an apology from either parties. I just can’t hold on to that pain anymore, it’s already been 4 years too long.
I couldn’t trust for a long time, because it was hard to believe anyone had any good intentions. When you’re hurt by two people you’re close to, it’s hard to move forward. You can accept that they were two bad people who just side stepped your vigorous trust test…but that’s just it, you accept and then what?
What do you do with the years of friendship and love lost? What do you do with all the hopes and dreams you had for the relationship… how can you possibly trust that it won’t happen again with another friend and another guy.
I was lost for a long time. The constant knock backs and surprise admissions from friends and family were becoming too much and I was suffocating from all of it. How does one person carry this much pain in their heart? Grapes and Laura didn’t care. They did as they pleased and didn’t worry about the consequence, and those around them let them do it.
I lost many friends and role models because of this, and for a long time it really shook my confidence. My life changed completely and the life I knew in Plymouth could no longer be. I went into University a completely reinvented person, but still recovering from all the betrayal.
Over time I learned to let go and move forward. It was the only way I could be happy again.
I kept my promise and would never see Laura or Grapes again. I refuse to acknowledge them as people, and will never speak to them again. Why bother, I have nothing to say to them and have no interest in whatever they have to say. Whatever apology they have for me is 4 years too late, and whatever love there used to be between us is long dead.
Maybe someday I’ll understand why they did what they did…just for the sake of Old Jessy. But finding an answer is no longer important. Moving ever forwards and finding strength in my past mistakes is how I will overcome every challenge thrown at me.
In my life I have met some interesting people who are teaching me every day, what it means to be a human being. I’ve learnt to accept not everyone will have good intentions for me, but I have to trust that I know what is best for me and follow my heart.
I won’t let liars, cheaters and haters break my spirit because I deserve to be loved, I deserve my happy ending, and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise.
Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday and you proud every day!
Peace and Love,