Ex marks the spot: Why girls feel threatened by their boyfriend’s exes.

Hands up how many of you are the jealous type? I can admit to this 100%. I never really knew what jealousy in a relationship was until I felt my blood boil at the thought of other girls grinding up against my boyfriends crotch.

After this first experience of jealousy, it was like something woke up inside me and all this paranoia and insecurities came to the surface.

I hate being jealous, especially since my partner trust me so much. I can be up late texting another guy and he won’t even bat an eyelid, he usually asks how the other person is but he is never intrusive.

One day I asked him why he trusted me so much and he replied “if I spent my life doubting you then I would never have the time to love you!” And that’s how I knew he was the one.

Over a long period of time and a lot of trust building later, I learnt to overcome my jealousy over other girls but something I could never shake was my jealousy over my partners partners ex’s, the been and gone, as far as I was concerned they came before me. It’s not a healthy place but I just couldn’t contain my jealousy and we would fight about random stuff but never about what we actually wanted to fight about, I knew it would be crazy to say the reason I was cranky was because I had a dream about him and his ex, so instead we would argue about how he hadn’t made the bed or left the toilet seat up.

I’m not so unreasonable that I expected my partner to know he was going to meet me so he should have saved himself for me, but it got me insane thinking someone else had shared first times with him that I would never get to have with him. The thing that killed me most was that I would never be his first love… Stupid huh? It’s hard to explain a woman’s emotion but to me falling in love is an incredibly personal and special thing. I’ve only ever fallen in love twice (one of whom being my partner). And even then I will only admit to one. To think he had already gone through the magic of the first love and that SHE would forever be an important and life changing moment in his life drove me to jealousy.

You see there are probably some people reading this, thinking I’m totally insane, if that’s your opinion towards me then you’ve obviously never experienced loving someone that much. When you think about your partner and you imagine them planning their entire life with someone else, well it’s not a nice feeling.

My partner and I tell eachother everything, so us being open and honest to eachother about our past, including our previous relationships can be difficult to swallow sometimes.

There are probably some people wondering why women are so touchy about their partners ex’s but they fail to understand that to us, the person before us came first, if you fell in love with them before so what’s there to stop you from falling in love with them again. No matter how secure you are in your relationship, there’s still that thought in the back of your mind that’s saying, there’s a chance this might not work out and they may replace you too.

My partner and I talk about his ex whenever I bring her up, he’s open and honest and I am grateful for it, it does ease some of my worries but sometimes I think, well if he can talk about her that way (completely respectable but he does bring up the flaws in their previous relationship) then he could someday talk about me in that way to someone else.

I think men need to be more sensitive and understanding when it comes to the topic of ex’s. Some women enjoy emotionally torturing themselves, and comparing themselves to other women is regularly done.

It’s a catch 22 because if you openly talk about your ex, we’ll get upset and think you’re still hung up on them, if you don’t then we think it’s still too painful for you to talk about. If you trash talk your ex we think about the chance we break up and wonder whether you’ll do it to us too, if you talk about how great your ex was we’ll think that you think they’re better than us.

Jealousy is a difficult thing, particularly when it comes to the past. Sometimes being told by your partner that they love you isn’t enough to make the fears subside, I think the underlying root of jealousy is fear, for me it’s fear of loosing my partner.

There’s not always a way to reason with jealous, especially if the girl feels threatened by the ex, I can’t imagine what women who’s ex’s still have contact with their ex do, how do they handle it? Well I’m sure a lot of women have better control than I do, well done to you. It’s a slow learning curve for me, I’m still learning to regain trust in other human beings. Sometimes I think about how irrational I can be, my partner cannot do anything about his past, and if he were to change it then he may not be the man I fell in love with. There’s a great difficulty in accepting everyone has a past, but once you overcome that then I’m sure you could have a really healthy and happy relationship.

Some women just need a little more help in that department but that’s why relationships are a two way street. We all have to work together to make it work.

I’m speaking on behalf of likeminded women, those who can’t control their jealousy but so badly want to stop the green eyed monster, all we ask for is a little patience and a little attention. Remind us how great we are, how much you love us, how beautiful we are and how lucky you are to have us.

Don’t just bring us flowers when we’re ill, buy us a bunch or two just because, text us any time, just to tell us you’re thinking about us… And when we’re getting jealous and cranky, remember it isn’t you that we don’t trust, it’s all the other man hungry bitches who don’t understand the concept of relationships or commitment.

Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday and you proud everyday!

Peace and Love,
Jessy X


2 thoughts on “Ex marks the spot: Why girls feel threatened by their boyfriend’s exes.

  1. I completely feel you! I just posted my first blog of how my boyfriend and I started dating. It’s a long post, but with it comes that exact same jealousy so I totally understand why!

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