My parents raised me right, they did all they could to equip me with the necessary skills to become a contributing member of society. But the one thing that your parents cannot teach you is how to be likeable to everyone, because lets face it, everyone is so different that it’s hard to make yourself likeable to absolutely everyone. What my parents told me was it was more important for me to like myself than it was for people who didn’t matter.
For a long time I worked on making myself as adaptable and likeable as possible, without being too negative, my life experiences made me see that this was a fruitless and tiring task because it’s just impossible to embody everyone’s ideal person. I took me a long time to realize that it isn’t an individual’s job to be a perfect person and that as long as we try our hardest then that it is good enough. Hey at least we’re trying right? It’s so important to try even if you can’t quite get it.
I’ve only ever had two serious boyfriends; I met both of their parents. Both sets of parents hated me.
You see, I’m not the typical girl who probably makes the best impression. I’m shy to a fault. I have social anxiety, which makes me an impossible person to talk to. I’m an introvert so I’m basically the person in the corner of the room who people find awkward and weird.
The first set of parents, well, they used to like me when I was just a friend of their son’s. When I became his girlfriend they didn’t like the fact that I was the girl taking their son ‘away’ they didn’t think I was good enough because I drank, partied and the biggest part was to do with the fact that I had tried to kill myself when I was younger. I guess for some that would be plenty reason enough to dislike me without getting to know me in a new light. But to endure the kinds of things they made me endure was difficult and soul crushing. It’s hard to experience as a young girl, I guess until that point I never knew shame quite as bad as that despite everything I had endured. It was tough but I was convinced this was just a one off and that it would never happen again.
So in my second relationship I was older, wiser and knew how to control myself enough to try to adapt to new social scenes. I knew what parents liked and tried to turn myself into a girl they could love. I prepared myself for any question or situation I would find myself in, but none of this really helped when the actual time came.
The first meeting was as awkward as you could imagine. I had come to visit my boyfriend for the first time and we stayed at his parent’s house. He had work on the morning I arrived so I spent the majority of the day with them. His Dad was kind to me but his Mum…well she was a whole different story. I have a whole lot to talk about in regards to my relationship with my partner’s parents. They’ve taught me a lot about things that I could never have imagined. I have grown up a lot since knowing them. This isn’t what this blog post is about.
I think it is reasonable to say that I have not got a good relationship with my partners Mum. I don’t know how to rate my relationship with his Dad so I’d rather not make assumptions. But the one thing I know for sure is, they wish their son could have found a life partner in another person.
Something we’ve all got to understand is that parents are humans! They are just like you and I with certain likes and dislikes. You should also remember that their opinion matters only as much as you let them.
I had to learn the hard way that as important as it is for the parents to like you, it shouldn’t be the be all and end all of a relationship. Though I am grateful for my first relationship ending, I simply wish that I hadn’t been so blind by hate and shame to let my relationship with his parents affect my relationship with him. Though I learned a lot in our time together, a part of me wishes that we had allowed our relationship to outgrow itself rather than allowing their rejection of me become the number focus of our time together. I guess we all have to learn in some way. My way was to permanently scar myself and affect my view on parents and relationships forever.
The thing is for me, it has and always has been important to have a good and happy relationship with your in-laws, part of me still longs to be in good terms with them but I have learnt to accept that it may not be possible. I’m starting to see that this is okay and it isn’t my fault.
I admittedly am not the typical, take home to your Mum sort of girl, but if you really think about it, no one is. We all have our flaws, our problems, and our differences that make this a terrifying experience, but isn’t that half the fun of being in a relationship?
Remember that you weren’t put on this earth to be an ideal person in someone’s mind. You become an ideal person to someone through love, care, time and working together as a team. And as for the parents? Well any good parent knows that there is as a balance between wanting the best for your kid and wanting them to be happy. The best way to do that and to make that happen is by being supportive. You can’t be supportive if you judge so quickly and I don’t always trust gut instincts because I have been proven wrong before, particularly about my judgment in people. Nowadays it’s just as hard to find a good person than it is to find the bad person because people are becoming better at hiding their true nature.
It’s easy to let yourself be completely disheartened by the fact that you don’t have a good relationship with your in-laws but you’ve got to have a lot of self-love in order to overcome this.
Remember it’s their offspring that you’re with, not them! Whilst of course it would have been easier for you to be in good terms as them, it isn’t always possible and you’ve got to just accept the situation for what it is. Continue to try, continue to be happy and smiling and work hard to show them just how loving you and your partner are together. All that should matter is how happy you make each other.
If they can’t be happy for you both for no reason other than they don’t like you, well, then it’s them who have to question themselves.
Remember that your parents love you, your partner loves you, and you love you! That’s plenty of love, if they don’t want to give you their love then it’s their loss.
The fact that you’ve been thinking about not being take home material means you’re already loosing faith in yourself. There are billions of people in this world; I bet you can list at least 10 people that love you. All you really need is 1 person to love you, anything more than that is a lucky thing so feel lucky everyday that you get to walk this earth with love in your heart and a smile on your face.
It’s important to continue your relationship and keep building your strength together as partners. Don’t let these obstacles bring your entire relationship down because you’re both worth so much more than that.
You should keep working hard at trying to establish a relationship with your potential in-laws because it is still important to see if your determination can get you any further in your journey to winning over the parents. Don’t let this be your main goal.
Keep telling yourself that you are lovable, likeable, and adorable. You are more than what people think you are. You are more than what people label you are.
You may not be take home to the parents material, but you are the girl he fell in love with, I would say that was much more of a win than anything else!
Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday, and you proud everyday!
Peace and Love,