Lately I’ve been feeling so disconnected to life. I’ve just started a new role at work, I’m loosing my partner in crime as she’s moving on to bigger and better things. I’ve just celebrated my 4 year anniversary with my lovie, and I guess talks of the future are slowly becoming so real. Then I think about everything I wanted as a kid, I realized how slowly and surely things are happening, and things are coming true. Even though it wasn’t easy to get to this point, and even though things are still on a daily basis hard as… well I just can’t believe just how lucky I am to be living the life that I’m living and getting to share this privaledge with people I love so much.
I guess the reason I’ve been so disconnected is because I feel like all these great things are happening but from a huge distance away from my family.
I know they teach you that you grow up and create your own life, and as a kid I was just so excited to get to that point that I never even thought that I would miss my old life, or more so, my family.
I’m lucky that the ones I couldn’t live without is only a few short hours away, I have many friends whose families and loved ones live in other countries and I just can’t imagine feeling that far from them. I don’t know how people do it but I truly applaud those who do, and do it with so much strength and courage.
Me? I was always big on family, but didn’t really realize that until I got older and moved away.
I didn’t realize just how much I would miss my Dad’s confusing jokes, my Mum’s constant nagging about how I dress or go out too much (now she nags me that I don’t get out enough and don’t have a life! – which one an unrelated note reminds me that I need to go find this ‘life’ that she speaks off because the only reason I have so many cringeworthy stories to tell is because once upon a time I lived a life of constant uncertainty, illegal behavior and care free spirit-ed?ness? So yeh, I need a life so I can tell you more ways I’ve fucked up my life, or at least more life lessons I’ve learned along the long and difficult road we all must walk along.) I didn’t think I’d miss a constant battle for bathroom use with my younger sister or having crime channel marathons with my older sister. There’s a lot of things you can overlook when you’re around people all the time, it can get so easy to take them for granted, and then when you realize just how much you like their company, you often realize too late. By that I mean when you’re already in your 20’s, 30’s 40’s, with your own kids, your own family and they have their own and there isn’t that much time for the old fun things you used to do.
I’m lucky that I discovered just how much I love my family at 23. I mean I knew I loved them before, but now I feel that longing for the old times much more.
Every time I get time off work, I either spend it missing home and wishing to be with my family, or I go home and be with my family. So this long list of places I dreamed of going have been put on the back burner.
I’m constantly torn between the dreams of going on adventures and discovering new places with my partner and my longing to be with my family.
I’m at my happiest when I’m with my family and my partner, it’s the best feeling in the world to have so many people you love under one roof.
For me, the longing to be in Devon with my family is only one part of my homesickness.
The other part is the homesickness I feel at not being able to go home to the Philippines (despite the fact that I’ve lived in the UK for over 10 years, I still consider the Philippines to be my home). It’s been 10 years since I last visited and I haven’t seen my family in such a long time. I missed the opportunity to grow up with my cousins who were my best friends. I didn’t see many of my family members get married or have kids, I haven’t been able to hug my granddad, and my aunties who helped raise me never got a chance to see me grow up. I dreamed of the day I could introduce my family to my partner, and show my grandfather my degree certificate. There are a lot of things that I wish I could do, and a lot of them revolve being around my family.
But then I’m so busy being busy in my life here in London that I never have the time to set my dreams in motion and instead I live most of my time just dreaming of being away from here and doing things that can enrich me, I want to experience life for everything it has to offer. There’s just not enough time in the day or days in the week to get anything other than work done and even then it’s not really enough time to get everything done.
I’m partially glad that at the moment work is keeping me so busy and exhausted that I don’t have time to think about just how isolated, lonely and sad I feel about being so homesick.
My frequent calls home has decreased since I got back here because of how busy I am but when I get a spare moment or two, or I receive a picture or text from someone back home that I feel the full extent of my homesickness again.
It’s reached a point where I’m so sick of being homesick.
My partner and I have discussed this to no end and the only thing we can really agree with is that if finances allow, we’ll go home to see my family every time he has a 3-day weekend. But it’s not as easy as that, with all of our responsibilities to the house and other things it’s difficult to always find the money to do that. Another thing is I have to pass my driving test, my partner said that once I’m able to drive, I’ll be able to drive myself home anytime I want, which to be honest has made me feel a little bit better about the situation.
I think I need to stop thinking about being homesick so much and maybe just plan for when I can go home next. I need to start living my life for myself a little more and focus on also living my dreams.
Whilst it’s easy to feel sad and wishing you were somewhere else, sometimes you have to face reality for what it is. Your location or place in life doesn’t have to be the end destination. You only ever have to be where you want to be, but first you’ve got to work hard and be determined.
It’s normal to miss home, normal to miss your family and your old friends and old life, but remember that you need to create your life too and fill in your own story, it’s okay to want to go back as long as you can see yourself creating a life for yourself there, if there is a future for you in your old home then go for it! But first it’s important you live your life and experience new places just so that when you return to your old stomping grounds you know that’s just where you’re suppose to be!
Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday, and you proud everyday!
Peace and Love,