To my not so little sister, you may be taller than me now, but remember that I’m still 4 years older than you okay!
I still remember the day you were born, for all my life up until then I was the baby of the family. People kept telling me how I was no longer the baby, I was so upset. I thought this meant that now there was a new little baby coming, our family no longer needed me and that I would be replaced by you. I cried quite a lot but I can assure you they were confused tears.
The day you were born I was in school, the bus driver came to pick me up to take me to hospital, despite all my fears with you coming into our lives, I was so excited to meet you.
I remember being taken to the floor you were on with Mummy and out of childhood innocence and pure excitement; I went ahead of everyone else opening every door on that floor. I disturbed some pretty private moments, but the moment I found your room, I was so happy. I saw Mummy sat on her bed and I ran in to demand to see you. She told me you weren’t there and I felt so distraught that I thought I’d missed my chance to meet my baby sister. But no, she was playing a trick on me and you were there curled up in your cute little blanket, a bundle of red splotchy skin behind her.
Now I don’t remember a whole lot, sometimes I even forget what I had for lunch yesterday, but what I do remember is feeling so concerned for you, the strongest emotion I can remember feeling at that point. I worried about you being placed behind Mummy who whilst being petite herself was big in comparison to your tiny little body.
I didn’t know you and I felt so protective of you already. I loved you and you didn’t even have a name yet.
You came into this world with great difficulty. Our ‘family’ hadn’t been fully formed yet, we didn’t even truly know what it meant to be whole. You were the hardest baby to have because you were the only caesarean, you used to think this meant you were the least favorite or that people resented you for this but if you think about it, it means that they wanted you most in some way. You were harder on our parents but it made them love you more.
The one thing I want you to remember no matter where life takes you, your birth was a big significant time for our entire family, it was the day we were finally complete and we loved you from the moment we saw you. You made us whole and filled a place in our hearts that we never knew we were missing.
My baby sister, everyone tells me that when we were kids we were best friends. They said we could play for hours and have a wonderful time just spending time together. I was still very much into Barbie’s when you first started getting into the whole fad so we bonded through our mutual love for dolls. We had other things in common; our age gap was never an issue because even for a little kid you were very switched on and very mature for your age, whereas I was still very much a young kid.
I remember how excited we would get over our family trips to Crealy, how I probably influenced your emotional side. One day I was telling you the woes of growing up, me being 7 or 8 at the time and you beginning to cry about not wanting to grow up, so I scooped you into my arms, cradled you and sung you a lullaby. I remember how we always insisted on getting our faces painted at the fair and how we would fight against getting our hair brushed by Mummy. We were both naughty and encouraged each other. You were my best friend.
I learnt so much from being a big sister to you, I loved you unconditionally.
Then just like that I grew up…I think way too soon. They say that one minute we were best friends, then the next minute, I hit my pre-teens and I no longer got along with you. You, well you were so innocent, so sweet, you followed my shadow. Once upon a time, I loved your admiration for me, but it became my burden. I hated how anything I tried you did too, sometimes I felt resentment because you’d do it better than me. Drama, piano, writing, you excelled whilst I felt like I had to work so much harder at being sub standard.
I remember a low point being when I’d told you I wished you’d never been born. I know siblings fight, but I had felt my wish in my heart. I told you some pretty mean things and had even accused you being my copy. Never once during this time did I think about how this would make you feel, how it would affect you and worst of all how your actions was simply a little sister looking up to her big sister.
I wish I had been more supportive of you, I wish I could have taken note of your innocent heart and had encouraged you rather than tear you apart.
I have so many regrets in my life, the biggest ones are related to you.
I think the trouble with growing up is you don’t quite realize how damaging and wrong some of your actions are.
My teen years were the worst years of my life because I just didn’t try hard enough to understand anyone other than me.
I wish I had helped you grow up rather than try all I could to distance myself from you.
I wish I had treasured our sister bonding, all those mornings we’d wake up on a Saturday and our parents would be at work so we would make breakfast together, we’d get all our goodies and go to the TV room where we would watch cartoons. I wish I had appreciated every evening we sat by the fire having nonsense conversations and gossiping.
I watched you grow from an unsure little kid to a confident teenager. You were so hard on yourself and sometimes I feel so sad that you had a much more difficult childhood than our big sister and I did. The thing is baby sister, despite the rebellious me causing havoc in your life, the one thing you never ran short of was love.
You were Mummy and Daddy’s girl and we all adored you.
You had a lot of anxiety being a teenager, you had your big sisters but we weren’t around as much as you probably wanted us to be. We were so caught up in our lives that we tended to neglect being able to help you through some things. You managed, you fought and you got through a lot of hardships yourself, sometimes you recall feeling weak but actually the maturity you’ve shown through the years tells me you’re far stronger than I have ever been, you just need to believe in yourself.
You’ve had your heart broken, you’ve broken a few hearts yourself. You’ve grown up to become a beautiful, smart and talented young woman who at 19 years old is a kind hearted genuine person, a better person than I could ever be.
You endured, you overcame and you continue to battle through the trials and tribulations of life.
I am so proud of you.
I know it took so many years to get to where we are now, a place of mutual understanding, friendship, soul sister status with a lot of love, I’m glad we’re here.
I think when you grow up with someone and you see them day in and day out you can easily neglect them and take them for granted. I’m sorry for the hurt and the sadness but I hope you’ve been able to learn from some of the mistakes I’ve made.
I want to thank you for being there for me, even during those times I really didn’t deserve you. Thank you for loving me so honestly, so deeply and for never giving up on me. I know that it took a long time for me to find my way, and I’m still looking for my purpose, but you’ve supported me through it.
You’re facing a tough couple of years whilst at University but I have every confidence you will achieve whatever you set out to succeed in. You know how I know that? Because how much you’ve changed, grown and how far you’ve come, deep down you’re still very much that determined, goal getting kid that I fell in love with.
Please keep your heart safe but learn to love, please be kind to others but don’t let people walk all over you, please reach for the stars but don’t forget the people who love you truly and dearly when you’re finally a champion of all. Believe in yourself, believe in your heart and always be thankful for what you have, you are truly blessed and I know you can overcome the hardships you face because you’re a fighter.
I want you to know how proud I am of you and how one day I hope we can look back on our memories and be able to turn to each other and say…. We made it!
I know for many years you looked up to me, but on this day, seeing how much you’ve blossomed into a wonderful lady, I want you to know that I look up to you.
Your big sister ❤
STAY TUNED FOR PART 1.2
You didn’t honestly think a personal essay of mine would be only be 1633 words did you?