WHY WEDNESDAYS: Why loosing my virginity was such an insignificant time of my life.

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There was once a time when having sex was the most precious thing a person could give to their ‘true love’. Some girls/young women would dream of their first time being the most romantic night of their lives.

 I would picture, candles and rose petals and dancing with my first and only love. I imagined all of the romantic things my true love and I would do, spending a magical day together, having adventures and enjoying each other’s company. They would push my hair aside whilst I looked windswept but cute, they would whisper how much they loved me and how they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. Then we would kiss, back then I imagined it to be our first kiss, then they would lead me to bed and we’d consummate our love.

So imagine my surprise when none of those things happened and my first time actually lasted about 5 minutes and there was definitely no happily ever after.

But that’s jumping ahead several steps, I think it’d be a little better if I gave you a little bit of a back story.

I came from a really strict family; whilst my parents were laid back about a lot of things they were fairly strict on boyfriends and having friends in my bedroom. My family was quite religious and needless to say from day one I had it drilled into me that sex before marriage was a big sin and shameful.

I always thought it was dirty and unnatural and lost respect for anyone who was in any way ‘loose’. I had a great bunch of girl friends but despite my wannabe wild child personality, I was very much the prude of the group. I enjoyed nudity but hated the thought of being a thing to look at by boys.

I promised to keep my virginity for my future husband/wife and I truly believed this would be the case.

Whilst I disobeyed by mother by handing out my kisses to anyone I felt like kissing, I was very clear with my intention to stay semi-pure until I found the one.

This is probably why I managed to stay so clean for so long.

But still, I will admit, my choices were often dubious particularly my choice in boys.

Sexuality was never a big deal to me. I never discriminated who I was making out with just as long as I found them semi attractive.

Living in a small town the choice in mates were never great but give me credit, I could have done a lot worse.

My girl friends seemed a lot more advanced than I was. I remember girl’s nights where they would talk about their ‘experiences’ and I would just shy away trying hard to not draw attention to myself. I think because I was so happy to dress in revealing clothes or my flirtatious personality didn’t make me look like the kind of girl who had any particular morals, and yet, whilst my friends were fondling boys, I was just happy to get drunk and dance to cringy music.

I remember one particular night when my friends were all with their specific guys for the evening and I was happily doing shots by myself. Have I emphasized enough how much of a loser I was? Well not so much a loser as a guy repellent.

My journey with my virginity was not an always road to take, growing up and battling through my teenage years made my purity questionable. Temptation was rife and my interest in sexual activity was heightened by the parties and drinking. I met several people I was interested in but despite this I tried to remind myself of the ultimate goal.

I often felt lost when my friends one by one started to gain sexual experience and I felt almost embarrassed that I had only gone as far as French kissing a guy. I got the nickname tease for a while and secretly felt this was some kind of achievement because I was sticking to my morals.

Then I had my heart broken and all morals pretty much went out the door.

After my first heartbreak I pretty much gave up any hope of finding my true love. I was young and naïve and thought that I had just lost the only love I was going to have. I didn’t have any years of wisdom but time has granted me the opportunity to see that I was so clueless and I should have just given myself some time to heal.

Peer pressures made me question everything I believed. Pretty much all of my friends were sexually experienced and I felt like I was being left behind. I was so afraid of being the last one to loose my virginity that I almost felt like I was in some kind of competition. At the time I genuinely believed that my opportunity to marry my true love had passed, even as I write that I think about how I felt as a young teenager with literally no clue how life was going to play out.

Then I met this guy; let’s call him Craig. Craig was not my type, which is exactly what attracted me to him. I was going through my rebellious stage, where I was fighting with my parents, my sisters and most of my friends. Craig was some kind of loner, and he pretty much was in trouble with everyone. I loved how he just didn’t seem to care about anything or anyone, and yet the attention he paid on me just made me feel so wanted.

I wanted everything my parents would hate and he was by definition the kind of guy my parents would have sent me to an all girl’s catholic school.

As an outsider looking in (essentially grown up me is an outsider from younger me’s life) I can see now that there was absolutely nothing romantic between Craig and I. He had no good intentions for me, in fact I was so desperate to fit in with his crowd that I pretended that I was a smoker.

This is how low I stooped to be good enough for him, I wanted him to think I was a smoker so bad that I would even practice to smoke when I was on my own just so I could get the technique right.

I was a typical teenager, desperate, insecure and naïve. I pretty much followed Craig wherever he went and did whatever he wanted. But still I tried to keep my virginity in tact.

This fact frustrated him that during a party he pulled me aside and tried to get it on with me. Awkwardly I rejected him but insisted that I ‘really really liked him’. Drunkenly he leaned towards me and said ‘well you’re going to do it willingly or I’m going to get you really drunk and have sex with you, either way you will have sex with me.’

Swoon, such a romantic proposition right? How could I resist? And yet I found the strength to resist him but his words haunted me. I wouldn’t call myself traumatized but I was afraid that his words would ring true.

So being the idiot teenager I was, I accepted that I did not want to have a drunken first time so I decided that I would have sex with him willingly, sober and on my own terms.

Summer was fast approaching and my family and I were due to go to the Philippines for a month long trip. I decided to have a few friends over a few days before we left so that I could set up the perfect scene for my first time. I had prepped my then best friend with what was going to happen.

We prepared a nice lunch, a movie for our small group to watch, then I would excuse myself and Craig would follow. How romantic right?

Well nothing went to plan. Craig was late and had brought along his possie. Which meant that a much larger group had to cram into a small room to watch a movie, and when I not so casually excused myself, the group cheered as if they knew what was going to happen.

Craig followed me but instead of going to my room as planned, we had to make a detour to my little sister’s bedroom. Are you cringing hard right now? I am, I also feel a little sick.

We started making out and got half naked, you know, the way that two insecure and dorky looking teenagers do. He pulled me close to him and got on top of me, he asked me if I was ready, and I was so petrified of the situation that I just nodded and looked at a book that was within reach.

I suddenly remembered a story that my bestfriend had told me, she had heard through a grapevine that an ex girlfriend of Craig’s hated sex with him so much that she would often read a book whilst she waited for him to finish inside her. Yup, like I said, everything was so romantic.

I stifled my giggle and as soon as I felt him thrust inside me for the first time, I felt ever bit of humor in me rush out as I felt life flash before my eyes. No that wasn’t due to the euphoria of sex, it was more because of the sheer pain I was in. I was convinced I was going to die, right there on my sisters bed. I remember thinking, oh god, how are my friends going to explain to my parents how their semi-naked daughter died in their youngest daughters bedroom.

Every thrust was agony, I was convinced I was going to pee myself and almost didn’t care that it would forever be embaressing. I tried to think about all the tips my friends had given me, ‘try to look sexy and like you’re having fun’ one of my friends voices rang in my head, how the hell was I going to look sexy when I felt like I was being gutted.

The whole ordeal didn’t last very long but at the time I felt like it was never going to end. I prayed that I was going to live through this and felt like everything everyone had ever said about sex was a total lie. I couldn’t get my head around porn or how people wanted to make a living out of having sex.

I couldn’t help feel shy because I was so focused on trying not to cry that I forgot to see if he was enjoying himself. I didn’t know how much sexual partners he had but I knew he had had a few. He was my first time and it was a big deal to me but all those romantic thoughts were completely gone by the time he had leaned down to me during sex.

I thought about how in my fantasy this would be the part when he would lean down and kiss me, but he didn’t. Instead he whispered, ‘we better stop we don’t want you getting pregnant.’

I felt my mouth go dry as I cursed myself, in the ‘heat’ of the moment I completely forgot about being ‘safe’. Great, I thought to myself, I’m going to be the girl who lost her virginity, got pregnant and would get locked in her bedroom by her parents and then live in the same household with her sister daughter.

Craig got up and started to get dressed whilst I shook myself back to reality. I remember sneaking a peak at his penis and being disappointed. I mean, I had nothing to compare to, I had never seen a penis before, and up until our sexual liaison I had only gotten as far as kissing people. I couldn’t understand why something so small had caused so much pain and wondered whether I could even get pregnant by his little friend.

We tried to not so conspicuously sneak back into the room but everyone could tell from my flushed face and the smile Craig had, what had happened.

It was pretty much the worst time of my life.

I had given up my virginity to literally the first loser I had ever met.

Sex after that was pretty different, despite each and every one being just another meaningless fling, each and every one was a unique experience.

My experience loosing my virginity was pretty much the most insignificant sexual laision and isn’t that such a sad thing to say? I remember people saying to save it for someone to matter and if I had done that I probably would have been a virgin for another 10 years. Would it have been worth it? Maybe, I don’t regret it, I wish I had waited a little longer, perhaps at the time I was just way to young to understand what sex really meant.

I mean, right after it happened, we acted like a romantic couple for a few more days. Then I went away and pretty much forgot him, had a strictly PG-13 summer romance, then came back to find out that he still considered us boyfriend and girlfriend but that he too had had his summer romance, except it wasn’t PG-13 more like Rated 18 and that it was with one of my bestfriends, so you know, it worked out for everyone.

Despite my virginity story being truly an insignificant time of my life, there are 10 things I learned from the whole experience;

  1. Don’t let peer pressure take away what is meant to be an important experience. Only you can know when you are ready.
  2. It’s impossible to make the awkward sex romantic, so if you wait for someone you love, at least it can be a truly memorable experience for you both.
  3. You may not marry the one you loose your virginity to but that’s okay, it’s not the be all and end all of everything.
  4. Sex is not the only way to say ‘I love you’ to someone.
  5. Being a teenager does not mean you need to be sexually mature.
  6. Sex is not a competition; you don’t win prizes the higher your number of partners is.
  7. Your experiences will differ from someone else and you shouldn’t compare yourself to your friend’s experiences.
  8. Being a virgin does not make you a loser.
  9. You only have one virginity and you should be choosy on whom to give it too.
  10. Always practice safe sex. Though mine did not end in unplanned pregnancy, the situation is a very real one and being a young teenager with a baby is not an easy thing to face.

I consider loosing my virginity an insignificant time of my life because it had no particular life changing impact over my life. The experience didn’t drag me down a slippery slope nor did it give me vital experience I have used in my adulthood. I wish I had waited, I wish that I had given it more thought. Part of me wishes that I could have been a little more mature and not used the opportunity to try to shed my daddy’s girl image. I wish my first time had been a little more romantic or at least have had a little bit of love between myself and Craig, then maybe I could fondly reminisce about it. Instead I am part of the percentage of teenagers who lost their virginity and felt it was a horrible experience.

Despite it being a bad experience, and one I don’t often like to think about, I am glad that I was able to get some better memories to compensate for the mistakes I made as a teenager. I’m glad that to this day I can laugh about the awkwardness and hope that my future children can avoid making the same mistakes I did!

Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday, and you proud everyday!

Peace and Love,

Jessy x

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