I believe it’s in human nature to be monogamous. I truly believe we are destined to be with one person who is meant to come into our lives and fill in the missing pieces that we may not have noticed was lacking before. I strongly believe that our ‘soul mate’ changes every time we make a decision and who we end up with depends on what kind of path we’ve chosen. It’s human nature to seek the comfort of a partner to help us navigate through life, to either make our lives better or worse.
When we find out ‘better’ half things change in our lives. When we’re sure that the person we have found is the person we want to spend the rest of our life with, well the part of our life that was searching for them stops and we begin a new chapter and we re-jigg our life to accommodate our new companion.
I do believe I have met my ‘soul mate’ my penguin, lobster, partner, the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know everyone’s experiences are different, but I want to share with you the changes that have occurred since meeting my ‘soul mate’.
It’s normal to find things changing when a significant thing occurs in your life. Death, Birth, Marriage, Break-ups are huge occasions but so is meeting someone you believe is ‘the one’. It’s enough to transform your life from one thing to another.
- Your outlook on life
Meeting your soul mate is a very big occasion. Do you realise how many people spend all of their lives looking for their one true love. When you achieve this it’s like fulfilling one of your dreams/goals and your destiny. I know not everyone is a romantic type but even the scientific people have to admit that finding a real and true love is an accomplishment. It’s so great that it can reignite people’s passion for life. Meeting your soul mate can give you the courage to keep going, your outlook on life ultimately changes, why? Because if you can find a diamond in the rough then surely you’re capable of rising to the challenges the future may face you with, especially now that you have a partner to journey with you.
- Your plans for the future
Life pre-soul mate probably entailed either finding your soul mate or forging life for yourself. Now that you have your partner you’re going to be rethinking the future, even if it just means accommodating the special someone in your life. Now that two have become one, you’re both going to have to merge your dreams and wants together. That doesn’t mean that you have to give up your dreams but now two people will have to find a happy future for them whilst at the same time thinking of each other. It isn’t that difficult mind you when my partner and I first started talking about the future, our future, we found that we had a lot in common regarding what we wanted for ourselves, where we wanted to be, the path we hoped to take. Don’t get me wrong a lot of compromises have to be made, but one thing is for certain, the moment you meet someone you think is different from the rest, planning that dream home for yourself becomes less fun that planning the dream life you can share with your significant other.
- Your view on relationships
I have something to admit before I met my partner Norbert, I had a very sick and negative view on relationships. I didn’t think it was possible to live a monogamous life, I didn’t think it was natural for people to dedicate their lives to one person and be truly content. I couldn’t understand long-term relationships and would either get bored of a relationship or I would be hurt/abandoned by my significant other. I had had such bad relationships I genuinely believed deep in my heart that that’s what all relationships were like. With that in mind, I often saw other people’s relationships as shams. I watched so called loyal and dedicated boys cheat on their girlfriends and visa versa and just assumed everyone was cheating on everyone. I think this phase in my life is such a black hole because I was so jaded and wrong about what I thought love was. Because of this, I had no qualms with men already in relationships. In fact, I only drew the line if someone had a child, it didn’t matter if they had a wife, the way I saw it, having kids was my no-go line. How fucked was I? I would repeat the mantra; it isn’t official until they have kids. I carried this belief with me until I met my partner. I could come up with a tonne of excuses and pass the blame on to others for how I behaved but the truth was I was a selfish and self-centered little girl who did not have a clue how the world worked. I didn’t understand relationships, therefore, rejected them altogether. I think deep down I felt like I was incapable of love and therefore didn’t want anyone else to have it. I regret everything I did and am trying so hard to overcome this guilt I carry with me every day. But I have to tell you about how I got to this point. When I met my partner it was meant to be strictly a one-night stand situation. It slowly developed into a friendship that led to us ultimately falling in love. I never knew I was capable of such emotion, seriously, I think up until then I was numb to that emotion but here was a guy willing to give me his heart and asking for nothing in return. At the time we were at University so going out to the clubs and staying out late was a regular occurrence. Because I’d barely experienced relationships I didn’t really understand what jealousy felt/looked like. I went out a lot just like my partner, we hardly went out together, we had two different friendship groups. But on the nights when I would stay at home and he would go out, I would feel so sick and worried for no reason whatsoever. Eventually, I came to terms with my jealousy and fear, I felt that way because I knew how I acted before our relationship and knew that there were other girls who probably had the same views as I did. I was terrified he would fall for that act; I knew it was possible because I could be pretty persuasive when I wanted to be. I realised I was in the situation of those unsuspecting girlfriends/boyfriends who trusted their partners to go out without committing the ultimate betrayal. I believe in karma and I was scared that it was going to come and bite me in the ass, why? Because I deserved it, I was so in love with Norbert that I prayed and hoped he wouldn’t be taken from me. The thing is until I met Norbert I never knew what it actually meant and felt to be in a real relationship, had I known, I would never have done the things I did. I know now that just because two people are having a lovers tiff doesn’t mean that they should break up straight away, just because a girl lets her boyfriend go out with the ‘lads’ doesn’t mean she deserves to be cheated on. My view on relationships has completely changed now I’ve been able to experience a healthy and happy relationship, now should Norbert and I ever break up, I will treat single life very differently.
- Your motivation
I know it sounds really corny but I do believe that when you meet your soul mate your dormant motivation for life is reignited. You’re re-inspired, particularly when you’re in the honeymoon period of your relationship. I think it’s such a beautiful part of a relationship. When you’re first together, you want to make sure you look the best way you can for them, you want your house to smell nice! Look pretty. You want to do fun and exciting stuff together. The early stages of the relationship are always the most fun because your motivation is at its peak. With all this excess happiness it flows on to other things you do, when you’re happy and inspired, you do better at work, you connect more with your peers, you just have a genuinely happy outlook on life. That should be something that is continued through your relationship. It can be easy to drop that behaviour but we should always want to be our best selves for our partner. I know when I have good days with Norbert, I feel so motivated to do better, use your relationship with your soul mate as a platform to catapult you into success, you’ll be surprised where the reignited motivation can get you.
- Your view on other people
I fall into the category of people I hate, the type that when they don’t understand something they either are put off or decidedly hate that specific thing. If I came across someone I considered stupid, I would just automatically hear everything they said as wrong or dumb and would be irritated, I stereotyped certain people into categories and just gave them no time whatsoever. I did not tolerate anyone who pissed me off. When I met my partner, he brought with him a list of people who fell into my hate categories. But what he also brought with him was patience and understanding, something he taught me. Norbert is the most patient and kind person I know, with his guidance I’ve learned to view people differently, I’ve become less judgemental and because of that, I have found myself to have a more rewarding and fulfilling relationship with my friends, old and new. Chances are you differ from your soul mate, they’re going to have different types of friends and family that may not have been your ideal kind of companions before, but part of welcoming your partner into your life is changing your lifestyle to suit you both, you’ll have to find a way to genuinely like the people in their life, I say genuinely because from experience it is exhausting and difficult to fake like someone particularly if you have to be around them frequently. But if you have a kind partner chances are those changes will come almost naturally. When you’re in close proximity with someone, their feelings, thoughts and views can influence you, sooner or later that friend of your partner’s, the one you can stand, well, I’m sure he’ll grow on you, and sure enough you will be able to stomach his crude jokes and poor eating habits, you might even have an inside joke with your partner about him.
- Your hobbies/extra-curricular activities
It’s not just opinions that can be influenced by being with your soul mate, it’s also the activities you enjoy and hobbies you do. When you’re living your life with another individual you’re going to want to do the things you enjoy together, sometimes it may mean partaking in an activity they like that you may not be fond off, just as a thank you for them doing the same thing for you. Through this you’ll be experiencing and trying out things you have not done before, you’ll discover new hobbies and new talents. Being in a new relationship particularly with someone you consider your soul mate means you’re open to trying out new things. It’s only natural to realise a new passion you have and will give you and your partner another thing to enjoy together.
- Your goals
Bringing someone new into your life can sometimes bring up unmet goals that you might have pushed aside previously. The changes to your life can’t pass by the goals section of you. You might have had goals before, life goals, romance goals, career goals that were all set to improving your life and making you happy. Now you have another person in your life fulfilling certain parts of that it’s understandable that you may want to add new goals, perhaps ones regarding your relationship, perhaps now you want to include goals for both of your future together, a family you may or may not want to start. Setting new goals is all part of the changes that occur, you’re not longer on the hunt for a significant other, you want to improve the relationship you have now, especially if you want to make it last. I think it’s also a place where you take a turn from thinking yes they’re my soul mate too, yes I know and feel they’re my soul mate. It’s when the relationship matures into what I like to sappily call, forever.
- Your relationships with other people
This goes alongside your views on other people. Having your partner to talk to can help you with your relationship with other people, mainly it can give you a person with an impartial view on a situation. My partner has many of times diffused a situation between my sisters and I because when I could have so easily escalated a situation, he has given me his view and made me see that from an outsiders point of view, the situation isn’t as big and terrible as I would have him believe. On the other side of things, having someone who is dedicated to being your cheerleader can also lull you into the belief that some relationships are more important than others. You may find you’ve outgrown some friendships whilst others take priority; this goes with your change in lifestyle and personality. Maturity is a big part of the changes happening with you, because being in a relationship that could lead to the rest of your life (forgive me for saying, maybe marriage? If you’re that way inclined) will make you want to be mature enough to accept that stage in your life and it may be that some friends no longer fit into that part of your life. I will talk from a personal experience, I had to recently let go of a friendship, as I did not feel it was progressing the way it should have been. By that I mean, long story short, I felt my best friend was blaming me for things that happened over 10 years ago. I didn’t think it was fair then and I certainly didn’t think it was fair now and to be much more mature and knowledgeable now, I knew that if they couldn’t move on from it now that so much time had passed then they probably would never get over it and I just couldn’t carry this burden and guilt for something I definitely had not done. I couldn’t keep ‘doing the time’ when I hadn’t even done the crime in the first place. I was lucky to have Norbert, he gave me the strength to accept that it was something I couldn’t change. As sad as it may be, having your partner in life can mean the end to some friendships, but hopefully, with those doors closing, there will be more that will open too.
- Your view on the past
Hi, I’m Jessy have we met? I am the queen of regret and carrying my guilt and past on my shoulders for far longer than we need to. Speaking only from my experience, I spent a great big part of my life reminding myself every day of all the bad I had done and said. I wouldn’t let myself forget what a nasty person I was; I didn’t think I deserved it. Along came Norbert who fell in love with the good, the bad and the ugly side of me. We never had pretences, I never showed him a different side of me and still he fell in love. I would question his love constantly but he told me he didn’t fixate on my flaws and mistakes because he could see I was trying my hardest to earn my right to be forgiven. Norbert saw through the guilt and could see deep down I was a good person. Whilst I am still carrying things I shouldn’t, over the 4 years and almost 10 months of our relationship, he has helped me review my past and see that some things are just meant to be accepted and moved on from. I think it’s easy to fixate on our problems because we want so badly to make sure it doesn’t happen again, and when we meet our soul mate we realise that the future is now and we need to start working on our lives instead of being stuck in the past. We must find the strength to accept that there are things that we cannot change but the faith to know that we will do better in the future. Having someone motivate you and remind you of the exciting future we have ahead of us can help us forgive and move on from the past, who knows maybe in time you might even learn to just use the past as a learning curve and it won’t cause you such pain to think about. That will be the day; I’ll let you know if I ever get there.
- Your view on yourself
If you had heard me talk about myself in the past you’d have thought I had terrorised a town and murdered all the women and children. I actually thought I was the devil because of all my past mistakes. 4 years ago I was a borderline alcoholic (but then again aren’t most students?) with many bad habits and no self-confidence. In fact, my only confidence came from bedding a different man every night just to feel some kind of intimacy without getting reliant or too close to allow for heartbreak. I was so self-loathing and didn’t think I could be good enough or worthy of anyone’s attention. My good intentions almost always came out wrong and would get me into trouble. I was just so hopeless, depressed and convinced the world was out to get me. Let’s add paranoid to the list. I believe meeting Norbert was completely fate because everything that happened that night would not have happened had we both done what we normally did. It’s just so crazy. So anyway, for the first year of being with Norbert, I told him every night that he knew where the door was, I would always tell him he could let himself out if he ever wanted to and that I wouldn’t try to stop him. I figured it was better that he knew I was not going to get emotionally attached to him, as time went by my ‘you know where the door is, feel free to use it anytime you want.’ Was added with, but please make sure you use it when I’m awake because I do not want to fall asleep in your arms only to wake up to find you gone, it’s happened plenty of times. I would tell him this because I didn’t think anyone actually wanted to be with me for longer than one night. I didn’t think someone like me could have anyone love them and in such a backward way I was just trying to protect myself. Over the years Norbert chipped away at that, he would face me to mirror and kiss me, telling me how beautiful I was. He would text me every day to remind me that he loved me; he never failed to show how he cared about me. Sometimes I would slip but he would keep me up, telling me how even when I’m bad I deserve to be loved. Norbert showed me the kindness I had never seen in my life and he didn’t just tell me how I deserved better, he showed me too. I felt beautiful because he made me feel beautiful; he helped open my eyes to the sunshine outside. On the other side of things, he helped me see things so differently. If I said ‘I feel ugly’ he would tell me off, saying that I needed to be the person who said I was beautiful the most. He taught me how important it was to be my own biggest cheerleader. Whilst Norbert never tired of encouraging me, he always wanted to instil in me the importance of encouraging myself. I see that now. Whilst the reflection in the mirror isn’t the most beautiful person I know, I am no longer repulsed by it. I may have gained a lot more weight than I ever wanted to, but I know I’m a work in progress and at least I’m no longer making myself sick every meal in order to fit into my skinny jeans. Whilst my hair has split ends at least I’m not making my scalp hurt because of all the hair care products and tight hairstyles I wear, I may not have as many friends, but at least I no longer cry because a friend has betrayed me again, I may not have that many hobbies but at least I’m not working myself ragged to try to reach a mediocre level and instead concentrate on the best me I can be. A lot has changed in my life since meeting my soul mate but the biggest one has to be how my view of myself has changed. When you have someone by your side encouraging you to love yourself and praising you for being true to yourself, it’s easy to flourish and grow into a happy and healthy person.
There are so many changes that occur when you meet your soul mate, but it’s also important to remember that those changes should always be for the better. Better you, better life, better future. Whilst it’s the most wonderful gift to be loved by someone you adore, remember it’s equally important to love yourself. Don’t try to change your entire life to suit someone else’s’ because before you know it you might have changed everything they fell in love with.
Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday but most importantly, you proud every day!
Peace and Love