Let’s talk about romantic jealousy



“A little jealousy in a relationship is good. It’s nice to know someone is actually afraid to lose you.”
– Anon

Jealousy is such an ugly trait to have as a person but it’s probably most obvious when you’re in a relationship.

Jealousy in a relationship is difficult to overcome and whilst sometimes it can cause harmless bickering between couples, it can ultimately end the romance very quickly.

As a woman who has suffered from the green-eyed monster, I know first hand how damaging jealousy can be for your relationship. It makes the jealous individual feel horrible within themselves, angry at others and feel resentment towards their partner. The thing is jealousy is such an irrational emotion that can feel completely justified. I know that the only way I can overcome jealousy on a bad day is to have my emotions validated, but I’m not a child and this is not how I should behave in a mature and adult relationship.

Often jealousy is triggered by previous experiences, insecurities and lack of trust in a relationship. People don’t really see how this kind of negativity can breed all sorts of other problems and it doesn’t help when our jealousy is reinforced by other factors.

Yes, jealousy is not a nice emotion to feel or behaviour to exhibit, but it’s completely normal to feel this. I want to say how absolutely fine it is and it’s in human nature to feel a little jealousy sometimes. People need to stop putting such a bad label on jealousy when it’s just one tiny emotion in a whole spectrum of human emotions.

On the other hand, because of how quickly jealousy can escalate, it is also seen as a diagnosis for the death of romance, if you want a sure fire way to loose someone you love, it’s to act upon your jealousy in a completely negative and counterproductive way.

Behaviours like this include, being overly possessive, demanding to know way more information than is being given or willingly given, micromanaging in a relationship and general inconsideration for the personal space and independence of the person you care about.

I know it’s hard to trust when you’ve been hurt before, believe me when I say that trust is pretty much the hardest thing to get back after you’ve lost it and it’s perfectly understandable to lose faith in other people when you’ve been made a fool off a hundred different ways. But I’m a big advocate for love. I love, love and because I love falling in love, being in love, feeling love, I have been hurt a lot in the past. It took a conversation that has lasted 5 years for me to really learn to trust my heart with another person.

No jealousy hasn’t been an easy thing to navigate, yes I have sometimes been let down, but it’s all part of the process of establishing what works for you and your partner.

No relationship is perfect or 100% amazing, it wouldn’t be a normal relationship if it was. We are all human beings who are really good at messing up but hopefully if you’re with the right person they’ll be even better at making up for it, learning from their mistakes and hopefully won’t be repeating those mistakes over and over again.

Trust is something that you don’t just find straight away either, it’s something you work for and build up together. So maybe you trust your boyfriend to go out to the clubs on a Friday night but you’re a little more hesitant to be happy for him when he says he wants to go on holiday with his group of friends that may include a female friend who you don’t particularly like, hopefully in time that will be something you will work at together.

Something I’m still learning is when enough is enough, by that I mean, I can get this incredibly strong sense of jealousy but I’m trying to learn to differentiate the difference with insecurities making me feel jealous or if there is a valid reason to my jealousy.

Ultimately you need to decide what is important to you, you will never experience a relationship where jealousy isn’t a negative factor in your relationship, so this jealousy you may be feeling now, is it worth ending your relationship over? My partner Hubert has this really annoying way of keeping his cool no matter what the situation, he’s great at hiding his emotions and whilst I’m the jealous monster in the relationship, he will often tease me for not being able to contain my jealousy. I used to tell him that sometimes it hurt me that he didn’t feel jealousy, mainly because in a typical female way (feminists come get me) I like the feeling like Hubert gets jealous at the thought of me being with other men, if he doesn’t feel jealous then he must not think I could be with another man and he would always counter with, well I trust you too much to feel jealous. One day, an old lover of mine added me on Facebook, despite my ignorance of his invite, Hubert saw and though he didn’t say anything at the time, I knew it triggered this unfamiliar emotion on him. So one day after a particularly difficult day, he not so consciously dropped this old lover into a conversation, it was probably the pettiest conversation we’d ever have, which later led to him coming home drunk after a night out with friends, telling me how annoyed he was that the old lover had the nerve to try to reconnect with me. I sat listening for an hour about all the ways the old lover sucked and how he had no good intentions for me. In the morning I then teased Hubert for being jealous at which he vehemently denied feeling this way, but deep inside we both know the truth. This is was first and only time (so far) I had seen how ugly the mask of jealousy made someone and I realised how previous behaviours I had exhibited in the relationship was unacceptable, there was no excuse for it, not even my past pains and difficult experiences.

There are hundreds of ways to combat jealousy, though the main way being to keep an open and honest communication between each other. Don’t make each other second guess how you’re feeling, if something is bothering you, talk about it, if something is bothering them, then listen to them, validate each other’s feelings and assure each other that you’re in it for the long haul. Your relationship is an important aspect of your life and therefore demands the same respect, as you would give to your family and friends.

Relationships aren’t easy but it’s so satisfying to watch two people come together and overcome difficulties big and small. Remember to keep reminding each other of all the reasons why you love one another and what you contribute to each other’s lives. We don’t have all the answers or solutions but one way to maintain a happy healthy relationship is to keep jealousy at bay and should it sneak through at any point, remind your partner how your heart feels whenever they make you happy. 

Always remember…

Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday but most importantly, you proud every day!

Peace and Love

Jessy x


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