“Stop waiting for Friday, for summer, for someone to fall in love with you for life. Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it and make the most of the moment you are in now.”
Lately, it seems like everyone I know over the age of 22 is either getting engaged, getting married or having a baby. I remember once upon a time when I thought anything after 25 was too old to be settling down but now I’m days away reaching that magic number, I can’t help but freak out at the thought of marriage, babies, settling down.
I always figured I would feel super old when I reached my 20’s but actually, I feel just as young as I was in my teens except, a lot more knowledgeable and wise, I’d like to say more mature too. It’s crazy to think that at any point I could have a baby and people wouldn’t be judging my life choices that way, I could get engaged and people would be genuinely happy for me rather than making bets behind my back as to when the misguided young puppy love will end, but honestly, part of me would rather I still had judgement than the reality of hitting your mid 20’s unmarried and unbabyfied with people asking you when you’re going to finally settle down. Yes, I hear my biological clock ticking, is it so loud you can hear it too?
It’s half insulting and half embarrassing when people make jokes asking you when it will be your turn when in actual fact, I haven’t quite decided if marriage will be on the cards for me, I figure, I’ll know when the time is right.
My partner Hubert and I have been together for over 5 years and I truly believe he is my soul mate, we are both crazy in love with each other and we have a genuinely happy and healthy relationship and enjoy each other’s company. The way we think and act we’re married, we live as if we’ve taken life binding vows to each other, but without talking about it in too much detail, we both know that we’re not quite at that stage where marriage and babies are on our minds. Sometimes I feel a little disheartened when people question this choice of ours and it’s hurtful to know people judges so. The truth is Hubert and I have very clear plans for how we want our life to go and certain choices we’ve made has meant we have a long way to go before we walk down the aisle or even think about filling our home with mini me’s. Don’t get me wrong, we want all of that, a family, a house, kids, the works, but right now, we’re content living our lives as selfishly and free as possible.
So then why am I writing this blog post about waiting for him to propose?
Well, even though we have this clear path we’re following, and he and I have a long list of wants, needs, goals, dreams both individually and together, there are times when the female side of me rings out. When I see friends planning weddings or old acquaintances get married, when people talk about what their little charlotte did at pre-school and where the family are going on holiday to next, I can’t help but feel a little tingle at jealousy feeling like I’m missing out. I always have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that my time will come, my plans are far greater than following the social norms. But still, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to join the wedding hype, to feel like you’re part of that magic because when about 6 of your friends are getting engaged or married, it’s easy to feel like the sore thumb with nothing to contribute.
I hate that about myself, that even though I’ve taken a lot of time and care to plan my life out with several potential paths that I may steer into, I’m still questioning and second guessing my decisions, all because I’ve convinced myself that I have found the wedding dress of my dreams and if I don’t get married this year, it may not be in fashion in a few years time. Or is that just crazy Jessy talking again?
I feel like I’ve overthought this whole thing. I send mixed signals to Hubert all the time. Deep down I know we’re both not ready for that stage of life, we are so ridiculously content with how things are, we know we’ll be together and live as one for as long as physically possible, we don’t need a piece of paper to prove that, but the ceremony, the show to make it official is just a lot to do right now and we both have so many other things we want and need to do before we have the wedding of our dreams. We have our parents we want to make proud with our career goals, we have a home to make into a palace, we have places we want to travel and we want to be in a really great place, financially, emotionally and physically before we get the show on the road.
So why, oh why am I talking about this? I guess it’s because even though I know we’re going to get there eventually, my heart is being a typical romantic female who dreams of being proposed to. I feel like at the moment it’s engagement/wedding season and it’s hard not to be sucked into the hype. It makes me a little annoyed that there are so many marketing ploys to make women think about marriage and rings, and dresses and flowers. Then when their dreams haven’t been fulfilled there’s that sick and a little disappointing feeling that surrounds them knowing they can’t be ungrateful but they set their expectations too high. Then there’s the men population who have to compete with unrealistic and unfair expectations. Part of me just wishes the whole engagement and marriage thing is looked at less as a spectacle and more as a special occasion.
So here I am just patiently waiting for my soul mate to ask me to be his wife. Overthinking everything, every few months Googling, how long is the normal length of time before you get engaged because part of me is scared that people are judging our relationship all because we’ve been in a long-term relationship and don’t think about marriage at all. Even though I’m not engaged, I will still read wedding articles and save wedding ideas for when it’s my turn, slowly shifting through the years at outdated and unfashionable ones that have been and gone. Wondering each and every time, when the special anniversaries, birthdays and events come along, when will it be my turn?
I honestly want to be more patient and understanding. I want to continue to feel the acceptance I’m teaching myself that I have chosen to concentrate on my career and self-growth before wanting to settle down. That even though I’m turning 25, that is still considered a young age, that even if I’m over 35 before my wedding, I will still be a beautiful bride like my friends who married in their early 20’s, that I’m truly not missing out just because I’m not doing the whole adulthood thing all at once with everyone else, that Hubert and I have our own clock and our own rules and our own path that only we will truly understand but that we are lucky to be surrounded by supportive and loving family and friends.
I stay strong to this and it keeps me going, I don’t get so obsessed with my age and my lack of ring, or even the fact that I may be the last to get married out of all my friends. But the media and it’s infinite trolls would have you believe that spinsterhood is happening all around and that you are close to being one of them. Here’s the truth, one of the reasons I’m so obsessed with thinking about marriage and babies is my debilitating fear of being alone. I hope you don’t judge me, I only wish to speak with candour. I’m terrified of waking up one day and realising my whole life has passed and it’s too late to have children and marriage and I may die alone.
Though I love Hubert with all of my heart and I know he is faithful and loyal and caring towards me, I’m afraid that we’re going to change as humans do, but in doing so we find ourselves growing apart. And say that happens, say we do wake up one morning to realise we are no longer in love, then that’s years and years of time we spent building up a relationship worthy of marriage, I’m afraid first of all of loosing my best friend, secondly I’m afraid that my age and pressure to marry and not be alone will make me desperate and I will end up marrying someone completely wrong for me and will ultimately make me feel and battle through many wasted years, we may become one of those couples who stay together just for the sake of our kids who hate us because we hate each other, I’m afraid that if that happens I will never experience what it is to actually be loved and I’ll forget how happy, youthful and positive it makes someone to be guided by the love of another. But finally, I’m afraid that our breakup would just cause me to lose hope in love and I will decide to reject the conventions of love and decide to live out my days alone. I know, we got real deep, real quick, but surely I can’t be the only person who has these genuine fears when it comes to our future romance?
But here’s the thing, I want to try to live out my best positive life, and to stop anticipating when it will be my turn and just accept, it will happen when the time is right, and that the time isn’t really for me to decide or pressure myself into. Because whilst it would be great to get married now, I know it would only satisfy the part of me that is afraid to be alone, but if I wait, if Hubert and I can accomplish our dreams first, then the best reward would be to finally make our love official for the sake of the government and we get to throw a really cool party afterwards.
So really all I’m saying is, that there is a lot of pressure nowadays to do as everyone else is doing, it’s not always easy to watch a load of people walk down the aisle whilst you yourself may not even have a significant other, but I hope you get some comfort in knowing that the fears you may be feeling regarding this is not just felt by single people, but also people in committed relationships, hell, marriage doesn’t always stop the fear of being alone. But you should know, the possibility of being alone shouldn’t equate unless you actively seek to be by yourself. Your soul mate is out there and they’re searching for you, you just have to look a little closer and pay attention. But also the path to romance isn’t a race, you should treat it as an exciting journey and every dips and bump are made to add a little bit of variety to the path you walk. But when you get to the end, wherever you decide your destination to be, just know you’ve earned it and you deserve every happiness you get from your reward, I hope it brings you so much love, warmth and happiness.
As for me, I’m just happy going through my journey, excited and giddy at wondering when it will be my turn, maybe it’s sooner than I’m expecting? Or maybe it really is still a while away, either way, I know, when the time is right, it will be perfect.
Do something to make your parents proud today, your kids proud someday but most importantly, you proud every day!
Peace and Love